“Is it wrong to want to be alone?” I was asking myself as I was returning after giving my exam, which I screwed up like the rest of them. A part of me told me “yea it’s completely fucked up that u want to be alone, u prefer solitude even though u don’t want it and u love to complain of the life that u live” which is completely true. That thought kind of made me feel normal the fact that I don’t want to be alone.
There I was with music in my ears watching the people and vehicles pass by. It got me thinking like them a lot of people came and went from my life and no one stayed and it got me thinking why? I could guess a million reasons but the fact be told I didn’t know why! I’m clueless as to why I can’t seem to hold onto anyone, its not like I wanted them not in my life. May be it’s because of how I am; think I’m just not a people person. It’s not that I can’t get along with people I can, I can pretty much adapt to any kind of group of people; I think so. But I’ve never been able to have that close friendship with anybody, okay just 2 people in 20 years but even them don’t know me completely; nobody knows the ‘complete’ me, heck at times I feel like I’m a mystery to myself; I don’t know who I am what I want out of my life. And that feeling sucks. On top of that there is that guilt that kills me when I lose people. What I’m trying to say here is that I don’t want to, I’m not able to open up to anyone; I’m an introvert but I don’t know of which kind, are there even kinds of introverts? I’m still waiting for that person who will be able to get me to come out of this box I’ve put myself in, where the heck are you? I can’t wait to get of this box but will I actually be able to cut myself open completely? That I don’t know. I guess only time can tell.
I’m living with a mantra ‘Be good to everybody regardless of how u feel inside and don’t forget to keep a smile’ and that helps me to cover everything; it’s like a mask I put on every morning when I wake up till the day ends. When I’m in front of the mirror I can see through the mask and I feel sorry for myself. At times I wonder if I’ve actually been able to fool people; if no one actually can see through that mask of mine, and the thought that they might scares the hell outta me. I don’t want to loose that mask, I don’t want people to see through it and there is no reason for it. I know that is the reason I feel alone and I’m completely comfortable being alone now. That leaves me with a question “will life be like this forever?”.