lesson learnt

it seems the more nice u are to the world the more they take u for granted so….
screw u! screw the world! im better off alone!
what on earth makes these people think they are going to matter so much, that i would take shit from anybody and when im the one whose being nice!
moral of the story: if things dont happen according to your plan then do it their way.

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Love? Or just an illusion!

At times I wonder if I was in love for real or was I just played by my head into believing that I actually loved her. But I remember crying for her, I remember feeling it was now or never and I actually did confess my love for her but she simply said it was infatuation and that was the end of it; my only regret was I never told it to her face. Why the hell am I such a gutless person? Such a coward! If only I knew.

I remember our first practicle together, she was beautiful but that was not what caught my attention, her nature, her smile, the way she talked and how she moved her hands when she did. For the first time in my life I wanted to get to know a person, know everything there is to know and I did a bit. I’d call her up every week before it was our practicle report submission date to dictate to me everything even though I knew I could do it on my own. And we’d talk for hours at times and I remember her telling me “it feels like I’ve known u for a long time. I talk to you like talk with my closest friends.” I was happy, may be more than happy, wouldn’t you be? And may be I just turned what we had into something I wanted to have. Was I wrong to do so? I wonder. A part of me tells me yea I’m stupid but the other part of me tells me so what was I going to do? Wait around for her forever? I do have to maintain some self-respect now don’t I? She still talks to me like we used to, some what, but I think I ruined what we had.

Now about a year later that I’m over it, sort of, I’m trying to rationalize the whole thing. I wonder if I made a fool out of myself; if I actually made myself believe that I was in love to actually fit into the world so it’d be easier to breathe and not look for some other place to fit into, which I tend to do a lot of and only few know about it. And if anybody asks I would never answer them. (hahas!) And I want to believe that this whole thing was nothing but an illusion; makes it easier to just move on from it. But where does this leave me? The same place where I begun alone, in cold; the place she took me out of, unknowingly might be for her but she did somewhat shed some light on me, my life and choices I could go with. And this time around I’ll find me the path, hopefully.

I’m not sad that this happened; would I have been happy if “we” had happened? Most definitely, but she came along and proved to me a lot of things I was capable of that I didn’t know. First and the foremost I came to know that I could fall for someone and call it love which somewhat shook the ground for me, don’t ask why? Coz I don’t have that answer yet. And the more I try to look for it, the confused I get so I just stopped and let life happen one day at a time. That’s what I’ve decided on how I want to live. Cheers to that.

Death Note

 I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I’ve always wanted things I haven’t been able to have, be it my hopeless aim, dream I couldn’t live, love I could never have; I’ve just lost quite a bit, not a lot, I have lived for only twenty years now, I couldn’t possibly have lost a lot now would I? I don’t even know how many would be considered a lot. I know I just wanted things I thought I could have when I didn’t know where my limits were; i didn’t even know there were limits. It’s like it says in the song ‘I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?’; I had completely undermined things, I’d taken myself to be a prince and thought everything would be served to me on a silver platter, man was I wrong! The reality hit me, it hit me hard and I haven’t been able to get up. Sure I’m crawling and I’ve been trying to get up, putting up that fake smile for the people in my world to see. I look at myself in the morning, washing my face, I smile to see if it’s believable. I don’t want to be taken as a weakling, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but that all I’ve been, a burden. I want to be strong enough to pick myself up and walk again but at times I want somebody to hold on to, somebody to pick me up, to tell me “you’ll be fine” coz I’m definitely tired of hearing myself say that. I am tired of being alone but I not sure who I’d want there beside me or even who would want to be there and I laugh and I wonder if I’m mentally stable, with a smirk on my face.

There have been times where I’ve put a knife close to heart just a bit of courage away from plunging it in and just getting away from everything forever is very seductive. Then I’d think it would be too messy for my mothers (one mother and two sisters) to witness, and I’d end up laughing with eyes filled with tears. I’d remind myself that I’m not a coward to end my life this soon or this way. I’d remind myself that I’d die after I prove myself that I’m not as weak as I think I am or I’d just find something to give me that one ray of hope to get up and put that knife away. I could think of less messy ways to kill myself, I do watch a lot of movies and I do have a bit of brain, gives me lots of ideas. I can even think clearly what exactly I’d want say to each and every person who have made impact on my life for my last goodbye. It could be a thank you for friends for asking me “wass up?” or “r u okay?” (and I’d always be lying, saying “I’m okay” ) or for talking to me and making me forget everything and just reminding me I’m not the only one in the shits of life and that I need to be strong. Or threatening my brother in laws to take care of my sisters and that I’ll be watching and haunt them if they hurt my sisters (and that would be the most brotherly thing I would have ever done for them) or saying “sorry I’m not strong enough but know that I love u all” (and it would be the first time I’d ever tell them that and sadly the last).

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, for everything and for being the person I am. Its like doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. It’s either at the wrong moment, wrong way of how and when I do things; I’m not a good enough son, not a good enough brother, not a good enough friend, not man enough, for me everything seems to end with ‘not enough’. I know the easiest thing to do would be to just give up and just fade away into the air, earth, where ever I’m supposed to fade away into. But I wanna right the wrong, prove myself and then peacefully fade away, may be that’s why I’m holding on to this string of hope which seems to be strong for me to be able to live to write this and send it into the space (that’s this blog).

I live another day in the hope that in this life time I would be able to do what I’m supposed to and that I’d find my way out of this maze I’m in and hopefully smile for real and some day be the one whom my people can lean on; then I’d have lived and not just have breathed all the way through my life.