At times I wonder if I was in love for real or was I just played by my head into believing that I actually loved her. But I remember crying for her, I remember feeling it was now or never and I actually did confess my love for her but she simply said it was infatuation and that was the end of it; my only regret was I never told it to her face. Why the hell am I such a gutless person? Such a coward! If only I knew.
I remember our first practicle together, she was beautiful but that was not what caught my attention, her nature, her smile, the way she talked and how she moved her hands when she did. For the first time in my life I wanted to get to know a person, know everything there is to know and I did a bit. I’d call her up every week before it was our practicle report submission date to dictate to me everything even though I knew I could do it on my own. And we’d talk for hours at times and I remember her telling me “it feels like I’ve known u for a long time. I talk to you like talk with my closest friends.” I was happy, may be more than happy, wouldn’t you be? And may be I just turned what we had into something I wanted to have. Was I wrong to do so? I wonder. A part of me tells me yea I’m stupid but the other part of me tells me so what was I going to do? Wait around for her forever? I do have to maintain some self-respect now don’t I? She still talks to me like we used to, some what, but I think I ruined what we had.
Now about a year later that I’m over it, sort of, I’m trying to rationalize the whole thing. I wonder if I made a fool out of myself; if I actually made myself believe that I was in love to actually fit into the world so it’d be easier to breathe and not look for some other place to fit into, which I tend to do a lot of and only few know about it. And if anybody asks I would never answer them. (hahas!) And I want to believe that this whole thing was nothing but an illusion; makes it easier to just move on from it. But where does this leave me? The same place where I begun alone, in cold; the place she took me out of, unknowingly might be for her but she did somewhat shed some light on me, my life and choices I could go with. And this time around I’ll find me the path, hopefully.
I’m not sad that this happened; would I have been happy if “we” had happened? Most definitely, but she came along and proved to me a lot of things I was capable of that I didn’t know. First and the foremost I came to know that I could fall for someone and call it love which somewhat shook the ground for me, don’t ask why? Coz I don’t have that answer yet. And the more I try to look for it, the confused I get so I just stopped and let life happen one day at a time. That’s what I’ve decided on how I want to live. Cheers to that.