i’d rather be dead and remembered than alive yet forgotten.
Doesn’t matter how much u are comfortable in solitude, there are gonna be times u wish u weren’t alone, when u could use someone by ur side. There are gonna be times when u want to be the who gets asked if ur okay and not just u being there for ur people; u want someone to be there, just one. Is it too much to ask? I want people in my life who would be okay with my silence yet be there for me when i fall if not hold me before i do, atleast to help me get back up.
I’ll always keep a smile on my face in front of my friends, i’m always gonna say im okay, always but at times i just would like somebody to see through it and say even if ur not u are going to be. But it seems that is not going to happen, im all on my own.
It does not matter how much u prepare yourself for some things, its just not enough, you’re just never prepared enough.
I can feel my stomach churn in anticipation. I know what is going to happen. I know the exact words I’m gonna hear yet I just not ready to hear them. I know how things are going to fall down for everybody to see. I know every detail, every sequence of the whole process. Coz I’ve been there before. But still I want to push is a bit away; even if its just few minutes, coz I know as soon as it happens; something is going to start to eat me from inside. It’s like when there is lightening first comes the light then the loud thunder. I’ve already seen the light now I’m about to hear that thunder, that sound of me falling all over again, flat on my ass for everyone to see. Sure I can put on that strong, “like nothing happened” face, “like I dun care” face for the world to see but I know how much I’m gonna be disappointed in myself. I’ll be telling myself now I’ve gotta try harder and the whole process of rebuilding what fell starts all over again.
The hardest part of all of this is not knowing if I’m gonna get tired of picking myself up and rather do the easier thing, just give up, coz I know this is not the last of me falling; a feeling tells me there are going to bigger falls in life than passing a semester. And I’m usually right n I hate that.