Not SCARED…

Here i am listening to Lady Antebellum’s latest album ‘own the night’ and getting drunk on it. i cant much relate to the lyrics as it is about love which im sure ive been in but there is just something about their music and the emotion in their song that i just love.

My life is the way i see it is miserable. I’ve got nothing in it that im scared to loose; it feels like there is nothing there. I used to tell myself that there are things in my life, its just that i dun see it but the fact remains there is nothing. And i used to be scared to loose that nothing but not anymore, there are times when life shows you hope of getting something in life, a person to treasure perhaps but before it happens i loose that. So now i just am not scared anymore to loose that nothing. So come take what you can what u find coz i know i couldnt possible feel worse than i already do. Good luck

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Father’s son

He was “the man” they say. He took care of everyone he cared about. He was a great father, a great husband and family meant a lot for him. He was there for them even if it meant he had to go an extra mile to be there. Yea he was not perfect; he was not exactly a great son to his parents, he had his reasons. That said, from what I could gather of him, he was a great human being and a great friend too. But of course I didn’t get to know him; he didn’t get to see his son grow either; I am told he was the happiest man the day I was born. And here I am, his son, who is nothing like he was. And I wonder if I will ever be someone who the world loves dearly, someone who was very strong and did everything in his power for his family and his friends.

There are times when I consume myself thinking about what it might have been like if he was still here. If 20 years back he hadn’t left town for work and had stayed with his a month old son and his wife and his daughters; if that accident hadn’t happened. May be life would have been great, I’d be part of one of the happiest family on earth and I would have been the person I was supposed to be. May be, may be not but one thing I know is I’d have known a great father. So it feels like there is this big blank space in me which can’t be filled and I will forever be incomplete. And it sucks to feel this feeling but hey I don’t have a switch to turn that off so I live with it everyday. But I’ve come to know he didn’t have it in his “fate” to get to know his son, so it would have been me if it wasn’t him then. And I think it would have been better if it was me at least my mother and sisters would have known a life they deserve, a great one with him. If I were given to make one wish just one that would be it, be it me instead of him; Atleast that big shoes wouldn’t be empty right now. But the reality is the one I’m living in and that is not changing anytime soon or ever so it me who has to change for better.

So I live knowing I’m supposed to fill that space he left behind in my family, be the backbone, the source of strength which I know he is still a part of for my mother besides us to be as strong as she is. Even though he is not here he lives through the people for who he meant a lot. And through them I have his picture painted up in my head, my inspiration, and my goal to be who he was and may be even better but of course in my own way. And here I am, when I see myself failing as im trying to do so, I breakdown; I live knowing I am at the moment nothing but a disappointment to a lot of people. Its like I’ve lost my path and every morning I wake up I want to go right back to sleep, all I think about is all that I don’t have that I want to have and all that I’m supposed to do and be, is what I’m not and it feels like doesn’t matter how hard I try its not enough but one thing I know is I can do better, give my best.

What am I supposed to do in life? I’ve asked myself this question thousands of times I think I’ve finally found my answers. May be I’ve found meaning for my life, reason to wake up every morning and not want to go back to sleep. It’s going to be a challenge but I know what I need to do now and I need to start now, shape up. It’s now or never. I am his son, I have it in my blood to be a strong person and will live upto be the person I’m supposed to be even if it means I have to go those extra miles to get there. I believe that and I will get there.

I saw stars on the ground

I was returning from this beautiful place Kakani where I went with my family for a picnic to celebrate new year here in Nepal, I was at the back listening to some good music and watching the beautiful view of hills and the sky out the window. By the time we were reaching to the entrance of Kathmandu, it was already dark and you could see the houses all lit up. I didn’t notice that at the beginning but as we were going downhill the city was beneath, it was dark and you could see the lights from the houses then it occurred to me; it was like looking at the stars on a moonless dark sky and I was watching from ABOVE which was the best part of the beautiful sight.
Beauty is one of those things which we dunno what exactly it is; it completely depends upon a person, his outlook towards life and everything else. I could probably spend at least few hours looking at the clouds change their shape as they pass by or gaze at the stars or admire the beauty of a full moon. There is that beauty in them that just takes hold of us and brings a smile on our face. If you think about it, there is beauty in everything that surrounds us it just depends on how we look at it. And it’s the same with a lot of things in life. It completely depends upon how we choose to look at our lives, what we have and how we want to live. It’s our decision and not anybody else’s, yea what people, who matter to us, think has a lot to do with our decision but in the end it’s our decision. For me I accept the decision I made because at the end I did agree to it and I have to live by that decision. And also accept the consequence that comes along with the decision I made in MY life. Playing the blame game is not going to help anything, it won’t definitely make things easier for me. The only choice I got it is to make the best out of the decision I made and be optimistic and not give up, ever!
It’s the start of a new year, another year is gone and it feels like it was yesterday I was out with my friends dancing the night away doing the countdown and wishing one another a happy new year. It’s like you breathe, do what you’re supposed to do then the year just passes by and then you realize you just lived through a year without making any memory. It’s like time is losing its meaning. Yet here I am not giving up, I got to live on with hopes to make memories in the years to come and make time I spend matter. I can’t have a naked black sky for a life, I want it to have stars and I want people to say “beautiful” like I did when I saw the beautiful sight on the way back to the city when they see the graph of my life.