they tell you what they want out of you, they tell you who they want you to become but they always ask for more than you can give them as they want everything from you but here lies the sad humiliating part, even when you give your everything you never seem to match with the everything they want out of you.
i snaped at her today. i knew this was going to happen long before, i feel humiliated every moment the reality crashes to this dream i run into to keep myself under control, to keep myself sane. i want to match up to their version of everything but i don’t seem to be able to. did they expect too much out of me? or am i trying not hard enough? i’m putting all the energy i have but that ain’t enough and i don’t seem to able to find another source of energy. i’m actually running out of energy, dunno on my capability anymore. as i stand it feels like i only do that to fall back into the ground. when i lie on the ground these days i don’t feel that bad, the cold, hard ground is somewhat becoming comfortable. and that scares the shit out of me, i’m scared of everything, life itself.
i was pushed around, my fault was i didn’t make a stand, go with the flow i told myself and this is where that has gotten me into. i am allowed once in a while to let it out, aren’t i? but today i make a promise to my self this day that that will be the last time i was pushed around. its my life i have to make my decisions and my choices, i will do what i need to do, do my duties that fell on my head the day i was born but no more and i will do that my way and not anybody else’s way. i don’t live to please anybody nor will i run from my life. i will fight my wars, i will win the war even if I’ve lost most of the battles.