I was talking to one of my good friends after long time, he asked me “what is bothering you?”. I’ve been thinking about what i told him, I gave him a very vague answer; I told him “life is”. I said future scares me, what it’ll be like with the present being how it is; these are all true. And now I’ve asking myself the same question and the answer i hear is ME.
I tend to look at the people around me and compare myself to them, i know its not healthy but its an automatic thing i do. They are what defines NORMAL, me, I’m far from what they are, how they are, I’m far from being a Normal guy. I’d give anything to be like them, become one of them but the fact remains I’m not. I could pretend, its a choice I’m not going to take. I’ve grown up from what i used to be like, I’ve become acceptable in this society so much so that they can’t spot the difference but I know how it actually is. Its like i could be standing in the crowd but I’m always going to find myself ALONE. Sure i try to be tough about it, tell others and myself I’ve become comfortable in my solitude but its like my friend told me, I’ve just learnt to fool my heart. I call myself ONEMANARMY but forever being alone scares me. It scares me that I’ll loose my chance to be happy, be contend with life and truly LIVE. That I don’t have right now and not being able to have in the future is what I’m afraid of.
My friend tells me I’m ruining my present thinking about the future and he’s right, i know that. I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to put these thoughts behind me and focus on the PRESENT. I’ll have to do this for my sanity as there is a lot on the line that i cannot afford to loose. I’ve known this for a long time and yet here i am reminding myself. Past has gone, future yet remains unknown; at best i can only guess but i got this present and that’s all i got.
I’ll keep going, keep fighting myself, the world, my life; in the end I’ll make my life how i want it to be or die trying. Never give up, Never stop trying, that’s how i intend to live my life doesn’t matter what happens I’ll always come out of my weakest points of life and stand strong. And there is no other option to that.