a little bit of hope doesn’t matter how tiny it might be it helps u keep going in life; it teaches you that u gotta believe in yourself try your best, not expect big things and not worry too much, the things will take-care of itself but always prepare yourself for the worst possible case…that’s what it’s like for me right now and i don’t feel bad but i’m yet to LIVE.
Life, you think you know it and there is just more things that unfolds itself with time. There are times when you find answers first and then the questions, funny isn’t it?
In life it seems it doesn’t matter what u want or get, even if things are given to you on a silver platter, if you are not ready for it all the things will just goes in the opposite direction to where they should be heading. Especially when it comes to big things like Relationships you gotta be ready for it, like they said its easy to fall in love but the hard part comes later and that’s “relationship”. Now if you think i’m talking from a experience, you are wrong. It’s just up in my head but something tells me I’m right but i could be wrong too. This is the answer i just “discovered” i was talking about in the beginning and now u might be wondering what the question is then. So here is the thing, i have this sort of void in my life, in myself and I’ve been just trying to fill that. At times I’ve thought may be relationships is it and have tried to get into that but i just found myself not being about to see myself actually being able to do that, the whole being in a relationship ordeal. That feeling of wanting something then you just screw that up for yourself gotta mean I’m just not ready for that. So now i gotta find out why. This time with the questions first and when i find the answers i might go for the whole filling the void with relationship deal but for now i just need to find why am i running away for a lot of things in life which needs to stop for my own well-being. I think i might have the answers but still there are others things to look at which i haven’t done. You know what life is a Pandora’s Box, you just don’t know what you might find, what you might realize.
It’s the start of festivities here in Nepal; a bit late this year due to astrological stuffs i thinks but The Dashain is finally here! so, HAPPY VIJAYA DASHAMI to everyone reading this.
If u don’t know what exactly i’m talking about, Dashain is a major festival for all the hindus, especially for all the Nepalese. It is the most important one like Christmas is for all the Christians all over the world. This is one of those times when most families spend together play cards, fly kites,bamboo swings, eat a lot of meat and worship a particular goddess Durga, i think she’s goddess of prosperity and protection. There are just too many gods to which one does what. The way i see it there are many forms and everything but there is one almighty “GOD”.
Now that i’m thinking about Dashain it brings lots of good memories, days when my grandmom was with us and all of us used to gather there and spend the days, now that those days won’t be happening they seem to mean more than they used to. I remember back when i was in school i would be all excited a month prior to playing cards and yea about new clothes too. It’s the festival when everyone buys new clothes and where them on a particular day of “Tika”. Thats the day when all the elders put tika(grains mixed with read colour) on the forehead of the younger ones along with Jamara(people grow this barley sprout on a small pot covered from sunlight) and Dakshina(money). I remember being all excited about what to do with all the money i would get, this festival is very special for especially for the kids of my country. But what i like about this festival is what it stands for, that is collecting all the blessings from your elders. This festival is about family, about love and respect for one another. It’s like they are reminding us what matters in life; well who ever started this festival knew what they were doing.
life is all about making choices and living with the consequences that comes along with a smile. i say with a smile because you can always find something that could make you sad or hurt whatever but you can choose not to look all those things; the sarcasm that people throw at you thinking they are so great, they must think they are so much on a higher level of some sort so that they can look down on others. its always easy to point a finger at others than look at what you could be doing about it. but i’ll look over all the negatives and focus on the positives, atleast try to and not show even if i’m pissed because i’m a better person who’d like to focus on myself. atleast i try to at all times.
every time i just set me free, no thoughts to bound me, no place that can hold me and yet i always end up going back to that same place, i honestly don’t know why, it’s like there is some kinda unfinished business or may be the person i am is not ready for the world or may be i’m not happy with who i am, who i’m turning out to be and don’t want the world to see. i just don’t know.
there has been times i felt myself so close to things that i’ve always wanted or so i thought i wanted them, as soon as it becomes reachable, it becomes not what i want. i just wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. is my brain screwing with me? that makes me one screwed up guy, how screwed up am i?
these are the times i feel like a wimp, a weakling and feels like i’m living a punishment and i’m not taking that one step that could makes all the difference for the better or worse.
if u didn’t get any of the above its me to blame. let me explain it the other way. i’m a guy with very few friends and i haven’t really been in touch with them. its like i’m shutting them out of my life. why? i don’t know, may be they are not worthy of have a friend like me; HA! HA! to that, or may be i’m not worthy. the more i think about it, the more things go into direction i don’t want to go in. may i should i just study some psychology books or something, i just want to understand what is going on within me. i wont’t be able to go to a psychiatrist,there are just list of things as to why but the important one being, i just won’t. this is my problem that i gotta figure out for myself, i’m pretty sure all of us have those things that we want to do it ourselves and not without anybody else’s help. and i’m being very pig headed on this things solving on my own. there have been times I’ve been this close to telling people who somewhat understand me, who listen to me every little bit of things going through my head, every single one of them but I’ve always been able to not do so, doesn’t matter how drunk i was or how emotional. i dunno if i should take that trait of my characteristic to be good or bad and that is another of those things i just don’t know. more importantly why the hell am i so scared of their reaction? of them taking me to be some fucked up shithead, i’ve never been a people-pleaser but they feel important, not worth the risk loosing, its not wrong to not let yourself completely open to them wrong is it?
alot of sentences, things have started to end with ‘i just don’t know’ and that scares me and alot of things has started to scare me as well. too many question, no answers and lesser time to figure out. hanging by a string to going mad ain’t pleasant.
i’m not worried about tomorrow, what worries me is today, now. i’m holding onto my pride for scare of loosing very little i have in life. now the question is, this very little i have is it worth it? will holding onto this pride be the death of me or may be not, only time will tell.