a piece of my mind..if u dare :/

every time i just set me free, no thoughts to bound me, no place that can hold me and yet i always end up going back to that same place, i honestly don’t know why, it’s like there is some kinda unfinished business or may be the person i am is not ready for the world or may be i’m not happy with who i am, who i’m turning out to be and don’t want the world to see. i just don’t know.
there has been times i felt myself so close to things that i’ve always wanted or so i thought i wanted them, as soon as it becomes reachable, it becomes not what i want. i just wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. is my brain screwing with me? that makes me one screwed up guy, how screwed up am i?
these are the times i feel like a wimp, a weakling and feels like i’m living a punishment and i’m not taking that one step that could makes all the difference for the better or worse.
if u didn’t get any of the above its me to blame. let me explain it the other way. i’m a guy with very few friends and i haven’t really been in touch with them. its like i’m shutting them out of my life. why? i don’t know, may be they are not worthy of have a friend like me; HA! HA! to that, or may be i’m not worthy. the more i think about it, the more things go into direction i don’t want to go in. may i should i just study some psychology books or something, i just want to understand what is going on within me. i wont’t be able to go to a psychiatrist,there are just list of things as to why but the important one being, i just won’t. this is my problem that i gotta figure out for myself, i’m pretty sure all of us have those things that we want to do it ourselves and not without anybody else’s help. and i’m being very pig headed on this things solving on my own. there have been times I’ve been this close to telling people who somewhat understand me, who listen to me every little bit of things going through my head, every single one of them but I’ve always been able to not do so, doesn’t matter how drunk i was or how emotional. i dunno if i should take that trait of my characteristic to be good or bad and that is another of those things i just don’t know. more importantly why the hell am i so scared of their reaction? of them taking me to be some fucked up shithead, i’ve never been a people-pleaser but they feel important, not worth the risk loosing, its not wrong to not let yourself completely open to them wrong is it?
alot of sentences, things have started to end with ‘i just don’t know’ and that scares me and alot of things has started to scare me as well. too many question, no answers and lesser time to figure out. hanging by a string to going mad ain’t pleasant.
i’m not worried about tomorrow, what worries me is today, now. i’m holding onto my pride for scare of loosing very little i have in life. now the question is, this very little i have is it worth it? will holding onto this pride be the death of me or may be not, only time will tell.

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