I forget

Life keeps changing and so does the world around you
and it makes you wonder if nothing stays as it is forever
but I forget, I’ve been changing too or do they call it growing
I’m ignorant, a fool; I see what is happening around
but I forget what is happening within
I think about what they did
but I forget to think about I did
I forget to think about what I could have done
where did they go wrong I know
what I dunno is what is important
what I dunno is what I did wrong.

Putting thoughts together

I’m finally actually doing it, learning to be on my own becoming my own onemanarmy. It’s pretty simple when the people you expect to be there for you are not there for you, people for whom you do what you do for them don’t appreciate your work but I guess it’s my fault for expecting. So my mantra from now on is to not do more than I need to for anybody except those very few ones ofcourse.

I’m tired to feeling this feeling, this feeling I cannot exactly put into words but I just feel my heart ache. I might sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not, there are just times when the tears just flow and this bloody heart aches. I dunno if I’m imagining that pain that ache or if it’s actually happening, but the fact remains I feel it. These days I’m not sure of anything that’s happening around me, dunno how I should feel or what I should do about it. So I see myself shutting down to the world. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I find comfort here, comfort in this loneliness, in this solitude. At hard times I tell myself I’m okay, that everything is going to be okay. And I pretend to be okay, smile, laugh but I dunno if this pretending has made me into this another person or if this is me I wonder.

All I want to feel is happiness, a bit appreciated for my efforts for it to last long enough to hold on to that feeling, long enough to remember it so that when times gets hard I could just use that feeling to get by. I know nothing lasts for ever, so it would be very unrealistic of me to expect for anything to last or people to stay. That is one of the reasons I don’t want a relationship because I don’t think I’m ready to face being disappointment in another aspect of life. I don’t think I’d be able to take it more than I already have. I tell myself ‘my plate is full’ everytime a prospect comes along. I know I’m doing nothing but just pretending but the fact remains I’m nothing but a looser in life. I know I shouldn’t tell myself that and I’m trying very hard not to believe that but things happen and I’m left feeling like one big-time looser. So at any point of time when it feels like or I foresee a source of that feeling around me, I run the opposite way as fast as I can. I know running is a manly thing to do and if anyone asks I would have totally refused I would do that. But now I dun care what my actions make of me anymore or what people think of me. It’s me, my actions, my life so why the fuck should the world care! Why should I care that they think! But I wish it were that simple.

If I keep on going in this path, where will I end up? Who will I have become? And what would become of my life? I know I will be alone, become a failure and would have accomplished nothing in my life; so to basically put it I’d screw up my life. Now the main question comes in, am I strong enough to change my path now? I need to find myself, set my priorities, and live accordingly and accept things that come along and live with it. In the end this is my life and it’s my decision on how I decide to live it but one thing I know is I gotta do what fell on my shoulder before I even think of giving up. Take care of things and be free and when that happens I won’t bother to look back and just enjoy every day as it comes. That’s for the latter times but for now I gotta survive and do what needs to be done to get a life worth something and be someone I would be able to meet eyes with when I look into the mirror.

Not Ready!

there are times when you know you want certain things or to do things but when you are so close to it you realize you are just not ready for them, and that makes you wonder if you want all the wrong things or is it the time thats wrong? I wonder.

so this is how the story ends, with a broken heart and a crushed soul within
left me with eyes filled with tears and a broken smile to hide behind
why is it so hard to keep things alive?
why does everything need to be taken care of?
why is it impossible the void within?
why does things end before it begins?
why does it fill me with regret and self loath?

live for myself.

2013 is here, i’m no more 21 and all i did was think about how I’ve been living and how all of that is going to change. Things happen when u least expect it and the sad part is u don’t even realize until it becomes obvious. I’m used to being ignored but when done by people whom u didn’t think would it just puts u through ‘things’. I read in a post today in fb that if people choose to ignore u by choice then don’t disturb them so i’m just gonna do that. I’ve learnt to respect and not question other’s choice and i wish for them to do the same, especially now that the time is up for whys. For some reason i dun care no more and i dun wanna ask why to myself either coz somewhere i know its for the best. Always had a solitary life but did have people who made me realize i’m not alone and now one of the two gone i wonder if its just time fall in for a whole solitude and not in part. That is something i’m gonna let time take care of. ME, i’m just going to focus on myself, on my studies, on my tomorrow, do what is required of me, do what makes me feel good, do what i think is right, do whats right for me, put myself first, pave my path, work for what i need n then what i want becomes not so hard to get. Dun think of the world too much or people; i’m going to focus on me and myself in the years ahead.

These days i don’t mind the cold wind blowing on my face, infact i smile and let it blow away. i wonder if i’m liking it too much,i wonder if i’m turning into this selfish hypocrite piece of shit but then this is a fucked up world.

It’s New Year! doesn’t feel like it!!

It was a normal day for me, woke up late, got to college late; when i was about to start taking notes did i realize it was 31st December, the last day of 2012. That made me realize how out of space and time i had been lately. That brought a smirk on my face thinking about how fast a year had passed by. why is it always at the end do we realize the speed of time, how changes go un-noticed, how mistakes are realized when your time to make amends is up.

The 21st December, the day the world was supposed to end has passed and this was possibly the most talked about day. it was 2 years back i guess i was there talking to my friend the world can’t end because there are so much i want to do and need to do, that i’m just not ready to die yet. But there was a part of me that did hoped for the world to end as that would mean end of everything, that would have meant no more disappointing anybody or being disappointed by anybody either, that would have meant no more of hopes dying out or trying so hard not to let that last light of hope from burning out but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see as its already 2013 now.

This is a lonely world, atleast it is for me anyway you look at it. I adapt myself to my surrounding and try be happy and most times i am, atleast seem that way. But i’m not truly happy, there is still that darkness in my heart and soul that brings me to reality, that stops me from getting carried away. I usually am at ease but then i notice these small things or some big things and there i’m back again at that corner of me that i tell myself i’m going to lock way and never come back to. I want to say it out loud how lonely i am, at times i’m able to push that way but when i’m living a life that keeps reminding how lonely i am there is just no point wasting that energy pushing that feeling away. I got nobody to blame but me and the way i am.

So its new year people are probably in a celebratory mood, probably spent the last night counting down the last 10 seconds and clinking glasses and wishing everybody a happy new year. I was also doing the wishing part but wasn’t feeling it. I never feel like celebrating be it a new year or my birthday. Do i want to? of course i do, i want to be around people i love and cherish but i wonder if there is anybody.

I started this post thinking i would write about what i will be doing this year and all the great stuff, the positive stuffs but i honestly dunno how more positive can i possibly be. i have pushed my worries, my thoughts so deep inside of me that at times i barely find myself thinking, i just act the way i’m supposed to, the way it is appropriate. and there are moments when things just explode out of you, you just find tears flow down your cheek and wonder why.

I think its time to focus on just myself, on what is important with hope everything else just comes into place itself.
this year is going to be about being happy with myself,with who i am, accepting what i know for sure, not focusing on finding the answers that has just wasted my time in the past and finding solutions to the problems and not being afraid. But when you don’t have your ground to stand on the fear comes along automatically. And one thing for sure is that im not going to be looking for anybody anymore, i got myself and need to feel okay with that and not want to much off the world coz i got nothing to give to world right now. may be later when i have something to give will i ask for something out of this world, this life, till them i can get as lonely as i want and be happy there and just focus on myself and focus on building somewhat of a solid ground to stand on my own. that is exactly what my next couple of years is going to be about.