It was a normal day for me, woke up late, got to college late; when i was about to start taking notes did i realize it was 31st December, the last day of 2012. That made me realize how out of space and time i had been lately. That brought a smirk on my face thinking about how fast a year had passed by. why is it always at the end do we realize the speed of time, how changes go un-noticed, how mistakes are realized when your time to make amends is up.
The 21st December, the day the world was supposed to end has passed and this was possibly the most talked about day. it was 2 years back i guess i was there talking to my friend the world can’t end because there are so much i want to do and need to do, that i’m just not ready to die yet. But there was a part of me that did hoped for the world to end as that would mean end of everything, that would have meant no more disappointing anybody or being disappointed by anybody either, that would have meant no more of hopes dying out or trying so hard not to let that last light of hope from burning out but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see as its already 2013 now.
This is a lonely world, atleast it is for me anyway you look at it. I adapt myself to my surrounding and try be happy and most times i am, atleast seem that way. But i’m not truly happy, there is still that darkness in my heart and soul that brings me to reality, that stops me from getting carried away. I usually am at ease but then i notice these small things or some big things and there i’m back again at that corner of me that i tell myself i’m going to lock way and never come back to. I want to say it out loud how lonely i am, at times i’m able to push that way but when i’m living a life that keeps reminding how lonely i am there is just no point wasting that energy pushing that feeling away. I got nobody to blame but me and the way i am.
So its new year people are probably in a celebratory mood, probably spent the last night counting down the last 10 seconds and clinking glasses and wishing everybody a happy new year. I was also doing the wishing part but wasn’t feeling it. I never feel like celebrating be it a new year or my birthday. Do i want to? of course i do, i want to be around people i love and cherish but i wonder if there is anybody.
I started this post thinking i would write about what i will be doing this year and all the great stuff, the positive stuffs but i honestly dunno how more positive can i possibly be. i have pushed my worries, my thoughts so deep inside of me that at times i barely find myself thinking, i just act the way i’m supposed to, the way it is appropriate. and there are moments when things just explode out of you, you just find tears flow down your cheek and wonder why.
I think its time to focus on just myself, on what is important with hope everything else just comes into place itself.
this year is going to be about being happy with myself,with who i am, accepting what i know for sure, not focusing on finding the answers that has just wasted my time in the past and finding solutions to the problems and not being afraid. But when you don’t have your ground to stand on the fear comes along automatically. And one thing for sure is that im not going to be looking for anybody anymore, i got myself and need to feel okay with that and not want to much off the world coz i got nothing to give to world right now. may be later when i have something to give will i ask for something out of this world, this life, till them i can get as lonely as i want and be happy there and just focus on myself and focus on building somewhat of a solid ground to stand on my own. that is exactly what my next couple of years is going to be about.