its been a few days may be or weeks i don’t remember but i was not thinking about all the shits in life, i was feeling bothered or sad. and when i did realize that i thought to myself “i’m at peace” and said i’m going to stay this way for as long as i can what i didn’t know that it would last just half a day. now all of a sudden that feeling of peace is replaced by the panic of emptiness. It feels like i’m not living at all, time has lost its meaning for me and i dunno how to get that back because i know i will need it. Sometimes i wonder if writing almost everything into this blog is helping me, i wonder if it would be better to have someone to tell everything i write and things i don’t; i just don’t know, but i want to believe that and i need to coz i got nobody with whom i feel that comfortable to bare my soul and mind. The question that i ask is if i’m ever going to find those people even one would be better than nothing. I’m tired of asking questions to myself the answers i not know of.
I turned 22 this January, another reminder for me of the years laid wasted, not have achieved anything significant yet or am i still young for that i ask myself.
Birthday is that day i see people celebrating; why i don’t understand but still they spend it with people they love, care about, their family and friends. I spent that day like any other day, nothing special; I didn’t feel the need to announce it to the world either, if it did matter to anybody they would have remembered it but i guess i haven’t got anybody left around me who would remember, i never did let anybody stay, so expecting that would be stupid and i know that. Is there a part of me wishing i had some people left to make me feel special at times or make me feel like i mattered, i do, who wouldn’t. But at the end of the day it does all come down to how you feel about yourself more than what the rest of the world thinks of you. So i shut myself to the world because first i need to find comfort within, find comfort in this solitude and then i’d be able to survive and keep the hope alive. I know that is s lame reason but i find comfort here in solitude and then when i ready then i could go out to conquer the world. But that’s not all birthdays remind me.
As the time flies by, you get older with each day passing and new dreams come into life. You tell yourself you gotta do this and you gotta do that and you end up doing nothing. You tell yourself if not now then when and you don’t have an answer to that. Sometimes it feels like the time is up for you to live your dream even though they say its never too late you realize it is late sometimes; and there goes your dreams to be buried into the graveyard of life. With every birthday i just see the tomb stone filled yard of life and i wonder what is there to celebrate. Birthdays just remind me of the dead dreams i never got to live when i was supposed to, reminds me of all things i never got to have and now i’m just too old to have them, in another words the time has passed for alot of things and that cannot ever be recovered; they say you gotta be an optimist but being an optimist doesn’t include being delusional; I rather face the fact now than later then atleast sleep comes easy.
So that is how i do spend the day that marks the year gone by, just like any other day, the day i look at the tomb stones and remind myself the need to become stronger so that there wouldn’t be need to add more tomb stone to this already crowded graveyard of life.
A moment, could be a second, a minute, a day or two and that is all it takes for you to make that decision, a life changing decision that might involve another person but YOU make that decision and announce it to the world.
Today was a weird day, the first thing i heard from my friend was that he got dumped by his girlfriend of almost nine years and that shook me. They had something that would make anybody jealous, they were so happy so comfortable with one another and the only way i saw that relationship end was on marriage not over a fight. He had lost weight in a matter of a week, hadn’t slept and asked me what he should do. I didn’t know how to respond, the only decent advice i could give him was to talk to her, apologize to her, wait for her. But that is how i saw it, may be not what he should do, i can only imagine what he is going through and not know it for real for there is a big difference between knowing something and thinking you know something. I just find myself in a position i hate the most. That helpless spot where you can’t do anything but just sit there and watch, just be there and that is all i can do. I know because I’ve done that before my other really good friend. Same thing happened to him too, his girl of 4 years dumped him for another guy as it turned out later. That has completely changed him, way he thinks, way he sees the world, how he lives, its like he has become another person. But atleast he found out why she left him. The worst is not knowing why someone wants to just stop and cut down the relationship the two of you share. My best friend from school just went out of touch, the one girl i wanted to be with didn’t wanted to and everybody else I don’t want to be with. I have in ways lost faith in this thing called relationship, you think its unbreakable, very strong but it took a moment for people to decide it wasn’t worth their time. So in real it just turned out to be a fragile thing.
I wonder why does that happen to people around me? Am i a bad luck for the people i care about? And few event in my life sort of proves it to be so if you look at it from a certain angle. But i shouldn’t be making this about me, should i? Because it is not about me, its about them. But can’t deny the fact that looking at these things unfold around does send a chill down my spine, will affect the decisions i will make in the days to come.
What saddens me the most is that, you see your life all pictured out, you know where you are going, what you need to do, and then in a moment POOF! it goes up in smoke. You find yourself lost and helpless and you start to see the light of hope dying out. Now that i know, know how it feels and how to deal with it but i don’t want to see it happen to others because i know what that does to you.