The feel of knowing that this is all you have yet being unable to do what you need to do is the worst thing to feel. But you have no choice but to stay strong and endure this fucked up feeling and fight with hope of just making it through. And that is enough to keep you going, no point in asking for more.
Sometimes these reasons for which we do things are not for ourselves but still we do it. They say these reasons are not good enough to be living the way we do but these reasons at these times are just enough not good but just enough for us to be doing things that we do.
Every day I find it harder to get out of bed. I find myself not looking forward to anything, nothing seems to excite me anymore. Wake up and get through the day with the help of music, come back, do stuffs, sleep and do that the next day and the next day. And it makes me wonder if this is all there will ever be. I wonder if zeal of life will ever be there in my days ahead. I wonder if life will ever be like it used to when I was a kid, I wanna go back to that way of thinking, that way of a kid who knew nothing.
When you pass by me, you remind me of all the things I want out of my life.
Your smile makes me want to let go of everything and just make u my life
But I know that is nothing but a dream, a dream I’ll never get to live.
Your make me question myself, my decision, my life, the way I choose to live it
You give me hopes but you take it away from me at that moment,
Because I know you can’t stay
Because I can’t ask you to stay
Because I can’t tell you why I want you to stay
Because I dunno how to tell you that you take my breath away every time you smile.
I want to tell you to not smile at me but how do I tell you that, how do I tell you to give up what makes you who you are
So here I am dreaming of a world with you in it and may be I’ll live in it for a while just so that I know what I want out of our life,
But that is a act of stupidity and I don’t care.
I try sometimes to remember good times from the days that has gone by and I dun seem to recall any. Is my definition of good times wrong or did I just pass all these time without a single moment to hold precious, a moment I was completely happy. This makes me wonder if the definition of happiness is wrong as well. And that is all I have moments filled with confusion, scared of letting go and just setting myself free is what I dream of instead I give myself reason why not to do things I want to or I simply put them off saying to myself that time is yet to come but the truth be told I dunno how long I’m here in this world for. This makes me ask myself if the time full of uncertainties will be enough or if I will just put them off once again like I’m doing it right now. Why do I put this restrain on myself to act? I’m just feeling things and may be that is only because I can’t control that, if I had it in me to choose I would have probably choose to stop feeling anything like they show vampires shutting off their humanity! Haha to that!! Or maybe I’m dun have to be a vampire to do that, maybe I’m already doing it on some level and I just dunno about it. So here I am feeling empty, wondering if I’d make the same kinda noise like a empty vessel does. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be all the way through my life. Hopefully not, hopefully not.
I know it’s not ethical, my own guilty conscience is going to kill me and I know that. But here I am acting like a child hanging on to something I’ve never had before and if I let it go this time I dunno if I’ll ever find this again. All I needed was a reason, a reason enough to give into desires without looking at the consequences it might be because I’ve never had something like this before and there is that doubt if I’ll ever have this again.
This head of mine doesn’t just let me live in it, asks me of the morals I’m breaking, the ones I said I would never break. Here I am without regret or any sorry feeling in me coz I know I might never have this again. I killing myself from within for breaking barriers of places I know I shouldn’t have. Now its all done and in the past and i got no regrets.
Life is meant to be lived
And moment are to be cherished not questioned.
Is there a way to gather pieces of yourself as you are falling apart? I think I’m doing that right now. I thought gathering the pieces were only possible after you were done breaking but I guess I was wrong. I proved myself wrong on number of things, things I thought I was right about. And at the end of the day I am all by myself with my hope and dream snatched away but I got nobody to blame me. These are the times I remind myself that it’s better be alone and not even dream of being more because this is where it leaves me. I gotta get that onemanarmy tattoo!
I wonder what love is. It is not sex I know that much but it is a part of it but not part of every kind of love that exists. I’m pretty sure you got the idea of love I’m trying to write about here. This love is not like any other love they say; or am I just being unable to pinpoint this love for what it is because of this illusion that has been created by the novels and movies I’ve watched. I wonder if this delusion is going to keep me away from actually living the. real thing I wonder.
I try every time putting what I’m feeling together to see if it fits into this word love but every fucking time I come short. And this makes me wonder if I’m incapable of is so called love because 22 years is a long time. And as I’m writing this in wonder if I’m looking at this the wrong way. Until the day I feel it, till I see it in won’t be sure and I know that. So till that happens I will live with this doubt, the doubt if that unknown exists or if it’s me who is being unable to to see it and take hold of it.