In a shell

Be it in life or death, I am alone and I know it, it’s one of those things you just know. And I weigh them both, in life there is everything, in death there is nothing and a question keeps nagging me ‘why choose life? Why choose everything when you can be at peace when there is nothing.’
Yet here I am breathing and living a life I despise in the name of responsibility that fell on my shoulder the day I was born or was it the day he died I’m not sure.
Yet here I am breathing and living being useless, being a failure, being a mistake. It like the strength have left me and little bit I have are being used to keep myself together because if dun do that I will be nothing.
Being nothing and having nothing are two different things; death takes away everything therefore you have nothing ,where as life is making me a nothing, all I have is a longing to be something.

Empty, hollow, cracked shell
taped together with everything left within
strength, hope, willpower
dreams to be filled with life and love
but knows that is impossible
coz there is nothing left here to love
may be new paint job?
even then who’d love a lifeless soul
left with anger, sadness and frustration
alone.

Confession of a fool

I need a breather.
As i look back, all i see are the wrong things that has happened, all the complains and all i see myself do is whine about everything that went wrong, every-time i was this close; i would hold up two finger to compare the closeness and now i’m tired of it all, so i need a breather.

Life can’t only be about all of these, of failure, of injustice, of sad, bad and the gloomy stuffs; there has got to be good things out there, life has have success and happiness, things that are worth remembering till the last breath is drawn. But i look at myself and i wonder why am i not being able to focus on the positives, why not be happy about the little success i’ve had till now, about the times like when i was so happy i passed a subject on my second attempt; see there lies in my problem not being able to focus on the good sides to life, not trusting myself enough, not working hard enough, chickening out in the last minute, not taking the initiative to do anything that i want to do is what make me hate myself, the funny thing is i know that.
So here i let it all go, my frustration, complains with life and myself and start a new, start fresh; the question is will actually be able to do it?
There is so much to learn, to learn to be positive, try and not let failure consume you, to live and smile a smile that means something, a smile that has a reason behind it because i might have forgotten to smile the real smile. I need to keep my head quite and just listen to the rain sometime, to the sound of the rain drops meeting the ground, its sounds so subtle, its like a symphony, a harmony of nature; there is a magic to it which calms you down and consumes you, i wanna that kinds magic in me, that to consume me. That would be so much better than being a fool who says things for the sake of it and does things for the sake of it. That is who i’ve become a fool, but i can’t stay a fool forever.

But this is not where it ends, it just but a another beginning, a beginning of change, not of knowing, i’ve always known, but of starting to act on changing myself, live for better times, good times and not just say it, not just stay a fool but change. I am a fool who needs to, wants to change and so the journey begins.