Dec 18 Uneasy

If I die tonite, I die knowing that I tried and I always have. I carry this hope with me, hope that this trying is enough, will be enough someday but right now all this has done is left we feeling uneasy at the end of it all.
I tell myself that I am a dissapointment because nobody else does that for me. I do it in hopes that may be next time I’ll push myself harder and may be I will make it but I have a big doubt. A black hole that swallows me in.

Four years later

Am I getting depressed? I hope not.

Am I sad? There are few things that is keeping me afloat but now I want to just let go of everything and just drown in this ice cold river of life. May be that will bring me back to sense. May this little bit of hope I keep alive needs to die out for me to able to really get my life on tract. I can’t live like this.

Why me, asked my friend who is very unlucky when it comes to love. He breaks down every time his love leaves him, they move on and he gets depressed. And I tell him to move on, tell him things that might solve his problem. Now here I am asking myself, why me?

Why am I never lucky! Not even a tiny bit. I feel like a screw up and I wonder what else am I going to screw up, work? Love? The very little I have going right and that feeling scares me. May I just should let it all go.

These people are so lucky, they try so little and they get by with flying colors of the whole fucking rainbow. I’m jealous and I accept that, I see no shame in that. For me I try I try even when I feel like giving up and I never feel like I have given enough. May be I haven’t and I wonder if this is all I have it in me to give.

I started this blog four years back and here I am still with those feeling that I started this blog to let out.

Still a failure. Still trying hard to change that.