Heart breaker

So this is what it feels like
to have crushed somebody’s heart
Dead, like there is nothing in me anymore
just a deep black hole and it doesn’t matter what I do
I won’t be able to fill that hole within.

So this is what is feels like
to have broken somebody’s soul
and my human instinct just tells me to move on
pushes me to keep living on another day, mundane tasks that won’t really matter in the end it just won’t matter.

empty. void. selfish. survival.
Survive, that’s the word my head is repeating to me, Survive.

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Loved but never understood

Dear Love, you are gone now; never to return even if I beg you to come back to me, which I did but that only broke the very little we had left. It was very selfish of me but I still think of you and that might not ever stop. What is going to stop is me trying to talk to you or text you. I think I have done enough damage. I know that and I think about it. I cried like a little child which I never thought I would for anybody but it was because I lost you, I let you go, I sent you away, far far away from me. I didn’t cry because of what you had lost, or for what you had given way for us, or because all your plans for us is gone now. You never told me your plans for us, you never said a lot of things I felt you should have. I guess this is my head trying to put the blame on you so that morally I’m on the higher ground. Now I know how fucked up my morality is.

If we were still seeing each other it would be 2 years now. I was so happy with you. The thought of you and our time still brings a smile to my face. I did you wrong for that I will pay a heavy price. I thought I was lost before but now I know what feeling lost actually feels like. This nothingness is eating me and soon there will be nothing left of me and I wonder what will become of me.

I go for random hookups now. The first time I did it was the first time you told me I should move on. I didn’t try to repair us or talk to you or get you back. I went for sex to “take my mind off of you”. My quick solution to my frustration. My fault. When you gave me another chance, another shot at us, I tried to believed we could survive through any thing but then again you stopped talking to me. I never understood what you were going through but miles apart, I just didn’t know what you were going though. I know you thought I was cheating on you but I never did. I doubt you believe me but it is the truth. That is one thing that always hurt me, that you didn’t believe me. I guess that day I slept with someone else was the day I lost your trust. Lost a part of you. But you told me to leave you behind and move on. And again you started asking for breaks from me, from us. I wanted to talk to you more and rebuild but I felt you shut me out. Then a small voice in my head shouted “If all you want is fucking breaks then I’m going to give you the fucking break”. I listened to that voice, probably my biggest mistake ever and followed by next mistake, went back to looking for random hookups. I guess I did cheat on you.

Here I am feeling lost as always. I won’t be calling you from now on or texting you. I’m sorry for all the heart aches I’ve caused but I can’t take them back even if I wanted to. I tried to understand you but I never could. I know I tried. May be I’m making myself believe things but may be I’m saying this because that is what you would have said and believed to be the truth.

Sorry.

It’s all I have.

Yours, fucked up ex-lover who fucked you up bad.

Conflicts keeps life interesting

Dear love, or should I say acquaintance? I don’t know and that is what you say we are to one another. There are a lot of things I don’t know and sometimes when I hear things from people and I spend time thinking if it is the truth about me. And you called me weak and I believe you. But the question that has been bothering me is if I should let myself believe that or if I should be in a “relationship” (or whatever you prefer to call whatever this is we have) with a person who thinks and calls me weak. I understand that I have not been able to give you all you have asked of me but I have always tried which doesn’t matter I guess, what matters in the end is if I was there when you asked me to be there and I wasn’t there. I did tell you I was sorry and explained the circumstances I was in but that you don’t seem to understand, I know you are trying to but you just don’t understand.

Dear you, you have given me a lot of things in every short moments we have spent together. I feel like I have know you forever but you say I don’t know you, I guess we all have our different way of looking at life and understanding life and everything else.

You are the closest thing I have ever felt to being in a relationship and being loved by a stranger. You are full of conflicts and I have mine and knowing that has always made me feel like I can relate to you and understand you. This thing we have is a complicated thing I don’t know whether I want to have this or not. I don’t know where we are headed and I am a person who likes to know these things but I’m okay with this but one thing I take from you and keep it with me is something you said, “conflicts are what keeps life interesting” and your laugh after that.