I used to be an introvert, bottled up everything, processed everything before I spoke and tried to always speak the right thing which I still try to do just not that hard. Then I thought may be I became an extrovert but then I discovered ambivert, which I think I am but then these are just words, labels and I’ve always hated labels yet always tried to label myself. To repeat myself again, I’m fucked up.
Am I full of shit? Probably yes, I think so. Am I insane? I’m getting there. But I don’t want to. You would think why one earth someone in their twenties would go insane? I almost did when I felt all of the emotions and the thoughts up in your head got crowded more than I could handle, my brain in my twenties could handle. I was crying one moment and laughing the other, my sanity leaving me. When that happened the way I was changed, I said things, didn’t give much thought to what people might say; basically acted before I processed my thoughts and I felt free and okay about myself, sometimes good about myself. I learnt, I adapted to keep myself sane or you could say stopped myself from going insane or loose myself in the heat of a moment. But then I became I acted in ways that people would not call ‘ideal’, a clown in others’ eyes. I know that. I have always known. Usually I don’t give a fuck about what people thought of me, I just didn’t care enough. Then come people you put you on the spotlight and give you a reality check.
I live in a world where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t care, that people don’t care but the reality is that there are people who care, and I should give that a thought or two. In my case it comes as long trains of thoughts of whats, whys and hows.
And I need to process them before I go mad. But processing my thoughts is not the first thing that comes to my mind that I want to do. I want to crawl under a rock and just stay there. And I remind myself
There is a better thing to do, dare to challenge yourself to change, to adapt. Face life head on.
Easier said than done.
My first instinct, I defended myself because I knew my reasons, my life and they didn’t. But then that is never a good enough reason to actually better myself in people’s eyes, that is what they saw I should do and not be a clown. I didn’t see that at first, I felt attacked, I felt people were judging me but actually not knowing me. Then I took a look from a different perspective. Staying positive is tough job.
To be very honest I’m not yet convinced that I should change the way I am according to what people think how I should be. I have my own thoughts, my reasons, my comfort. But I always could find a way to not be a clown but another way to keep myself from going insane. I hate it when I’m comfortable and life just gets turned upside down. That is why I don’t want to let people get close to me, because their opinions start to matter, to affect me. I am conflicted by their thoughts and my, my comfort and their perception of who I am. I am starting to loose sense now, on last thought,