Death is definite

I am only human.

I have said it before and I will repeat it again and again, for it is a fact. It is neither good nor bad. It is just how it is.

Human are instruments of both good and bad. What a human does is up to him, his choices – good or bad. He is responsible for his actions, whether he did it consciously or unknowingly. It is his responsibility. He can’t fight it. He has to accept it. He has to own it. How he does it is up to him.

I deal with the good and the bad by telling myself, I am only human. I accept my actions. I accept the mistakes I made, I apologize. I will try not to repeat the mistake again but the fact remains what is done is done and cannot be undone. That is another fact,

We can’t undo what is already done. Unless you can control time. I can’t. I am a mere human

I have been on earth for 26 years now, most of which I have spent as a child. Now even my childish ways haven’t left me and I don’t think it ever will. As long as I acknowledge my mistakes, learn to not repeat them and actually learn from them, I will be fine.I have to be. I want to live, experience everything as they come along, deal with it all and survive. For I will die and I want to die with a smile. I know I am not perfect, I don’t think anybody is.

I am my own perfect self and I will never fit into anybody definition of perfection.

My days are numbered and in these days I want to live, do what I need to and let the days pass. I do not want an extra-ordinary life. Just a simple, plain life. I just want to live.

Advertisements

Silence kills, so Talk.

I want to become silence but I am dying because of your silence. I have hurt you, it could be a lot of things and I don’t even know what to apologize for. You won’t tell. You have let go of me. You avoid me and if that is what you want to do right now then, okay. I want to talk to you about this but I’m worried I will push away more and knowing you I don’t want to do that. Talking won’t solve this. You need to time but the question is how much. I have been giving you space and you have just been avoiding me. Your fake smile has been no help either. I wish I could heal our friendship more than anything right now. But the fact is wishing won’t do anything. You became an important part of my life but I wasn’t there for you. It has been bugging me. It was unintentional. It was miscommunication but how do I explain. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to give you excuses, try to justify why I wasn’t there. The fact that I wasn’t there won’t change.

I hope things will pass. I hope this storm will pass. I know it will, but what will be left behind? everything there ever was? nothing?

Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.

Emotions & people

Why are we complicated?
Why are we so emotional?

Do you know?
How would you?

You are busy killing yourself
You are your own biggest enemy.

You are lost in the happy ending that will not be
You are fight a fight you have already lost
You have been fighting alone
While he has been busy planning a future for himself.
Alone.
I gave you my advice
I said throw him out
But I see you are still living in the lie
I don’t want to watch you kill yourself

You are heart broken
Your pack left you by yourself
I stayed as long as I could
I guess that was not enough
You have made your decision
You have shut me out
Now all I see is your dead face
For others you smile and you laugh
You pretend like I don’t exist
You think I haven’t noticed
When I asked
You said nothing

All I’m thinking about is why
Why are you doing this to yourself
Why am I so bothered by this
Why can’t I get you out of my mind
Why did I get shut out

When did you become this important.
I am sad
I want to help
But i’m cut in place hard to heal
How can I help you
When I can’t help myself
How can I give you everything
When I have nothing

Do you not understand?
Why the fuck are you so selfish?

Losing again

Hold me or i am leaving

Because i am tired

Of your coldness

Of your indeference

Of your turned back

Of your forced few syllables

I don’t need them

You don’t need me

You don’t need the love i threw at you

You don’t need to know i care

You don’t need this shit

I won’t bother with this feeling now.

Because this is a shit i don’t need.

I won’t give you the warmth

I have very less to give away

You don’t want it anyway.

What hurts me, are holes in my heart

Thank you for another one

Thank for reminding me i am not worthy of love

But i am strong

See i am still standing

My heart is still alive

I am still alive

I have been hurt too many times

I have come out of it alive before

I will again.

But i still wish you would hold me

But i still wish you were happy

I wish you could see past your sadness

I wish i was not feeling this

Even when you said otherwise

I know my gut

I can hear it telling me for what it is

For it has been right too many times before

So farewell.

I will still be here

But i will stay away

Watching and wishing you the world.

Goodbye as i close my heart

For it needs to heal now