I think i am having another crisis. I think i am getting depressed to the point where the psychologic pain is turning into physical one as well. I wonder if there is some hormonal imbalance in me now that I have lost one nut. I just cringe and the weather is not the reason. I wonder if it is because my ex is happy with another guy. I saw the smile on him. I feel sad i am not the reason anymore. I wonder if it because my work life is in chaos. I don’t seem to be able to get along with most people. I wonder if it is because I am having this ego battle with my sister. I wonder if it is because all my plans have fallen into nothing. I dreamt up a fragile castle of cards. I am breaking uo into pieces again. I am taking tests online to see if i am depressed. I am on the verge of breaking down and breathing deep breaths is the only thing keeping me not on the ground. I have lost faith in God, he is not going to do anything for me. He always has a big price. I am alone. I laugh and try make others laugh along to forget the sadness but they never seem to go far away. Always there, round the corner.
I wish i was never born. I wish i could die without causing any harm. I wish i could cease to exist. I am tired. This heart aches.