The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.
Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.
My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Have you dreamt of a prince charming?
I have and he is here
And he is straight
There comes a time when, multiple times in life, you find yourself very lonely. You could be around people but you still chose to stay alone because them being around does not change the fact that I am feeling lonely.
Growing up I have been a loner, a sad fellow who always manage to hide the fact really well. I grew up to accept it, adjust to it and then I fell for someone. I mattered to someone. I was loved by someone. Life was beautiful, it was all colorful. I was happy and I knew it, felt it. I found great friends, I mattered to them. We drank, we sang, we enjoyed our times together. I was not lonely anymore. I was not sad. Sure I still had things that were bothering me but I was happy.
Things then went south. I lost of lot of thing. Reasons sometimes were me, circumstances, them but that does not matter. Because the fact that I’ve lost everything I had does not change now knowing these reason, blaming someone or times. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m to do right now. So my choice has become to stay alone. Try to find my peace. Try to find my stabilizing agent.
They say your happiness has to come from within, from you. But for some reason I am unable to love myself. The love has always come from others and them I have lost and along with them their love as well. I was trying to hunt for love but I forgot love is given not asked for.