The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.
Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.