The last letter

Dear lover,

This is my last letter to you, my dear dear lover boy. It would be nice if I could tell you all this in person but I am a coward and you know that.

Yesterday should have been avoided but I guess we are too late for that. I thought I was okay but I am not. How do I tell you I had to walk away because I could not watch you hurt and just settle for a witness. I was being selfish. But after a year here we are and you are not over anything you were going through. You are still hurting, you are broken and all I did was break your broken heart. All I did was make things worse for you. I made it worse for you. I was not able to save you but I didn’t know I had just helped to make things worse for you. I wish my apologies could save you, take away your pain. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could go back and tried harder to help you. Tried harder to stay with you. I am but a mere mortal and incapable of turning back time.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. And I deserve nothing less.

I am going to try to slowly move out now. Since I can’t help you, because I will only remind you of all that you have lost. What hurts me is knowing that may be you were never in love with me. May be I never stopped being a distraction from your far-away lover. You still love him. May be you loved us both but I am nothing before your first love.

I never wanted love. I didn’t want what I thought we had. I don’t remember what we had, all we went thought in detail like you did. I had to save myself. All those memories, you did was to remind me to smile but I am not sure if I will be able to after yesterday.

You are my first like he is yours. So you shall remain in my heart. I wish I had a stronger heart. I wish we had never met.

All said and done, I am a mere human with the only choice to live with, to learn to smile thinking of the days that went by. To not repeat the mistakes I made with you with somebody else.

I hope you find your peace. You have been broken for too long.

Trying to let go…

Three years since we met, more than a year since we went our separate ways. And still this heart wonders where you are, what you are doing, how you are doing. I lied to you the time we talked. I haven’t let you go. I have been trying to let you go. I am. I just haven’t been able to let you go. I don’t know if i want to, i dun think i want to because i feel guilty for tying to let you go. I feel sad for myself but i don’t want to break your heart again, instead i have been breaking other hearts. I don’t know. I am getting feed up with myself.

I wish we were together. I wish we were happy together. But now all i can wish for is that we find hapiness.

I never thought love would do this to me. But it has. Like i didn’t have enough of heartaches. Life is hard, god is cruel and i shall breathe again.

Rumors… may be

I hear rumors flying around about you. Makes me question if I was living a lie. I thought you could come to me and talk to me.

We were not meant for one another.
It’s funny how I went from I want you in my life to this.

Now I want to leave you to figure it out for yourself. You were already doing that. But now I’ve stopped wishing you’d told me, spoke your mind and heart out. May be you tried and I just wasn’t there. More the reason to believe that the universe wanting us to go separate ways.

May be this is what I’m tell myself now to put my guilt away.
May be I’m being selfish.
May be it is the true.
May be this is all a complete lie.

I didn’t leave you for somebody else

It has been months since we broke up, I hear your voice every now and then on phone and I always find myself wondering if you are okay, try to read your voice to find out if you are okay. You tell me everything is okay and I want to believe you. I want to believe I’m okay but I wonder if I really am? or if I’m going cry myself to sleep again. I want to believe this is not end of us but only time can tell that because you are one heck of a complicated person and so am I. I couldn’t handle this complicated thing we had between us and I said I’ve had enough and acted on it, I wonder if it was the correct decision then and I haven’t come to a decision if it wasn’t but it’s done and I can’t take it back even if I wanted to which you made very clear to me. But I still wonder if we could make us work if we had another go. This I realized is something most people think as I was going through a friend’s blog about his break-up after 7 years; second chances. Life is hard, love is hard, nothing comes easy, does it? As I read his blog I feel glad that I didn’t leave you for somebody else.