Breaking free

I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.

We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.

I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.

You are going to be happy.

I am going to be happy.

We are going to stay friends.

I will support you all the way in this life.

Cheers my friend.

This is love.

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Loneliness is killing me

What is the extreme loneliness you have felt?
I discover new extremes every time I find myself feeling lonely.

Are you surrounded by people?
I am, and it is same as then when I was standing alone.

Do you think they love you unconditionally?
If you thought yes, you thought wrong.

What lengths have you gone to try get rid of loneliness?
I sold my self-respect for moments of another body by me.

Have you begged for a presence?
I did and now I don’t know who I have become anymore.

Are you tired?
I am exhausted.

Here I go again, to revive myself.

What is next?

Born with the death of the father

Born in a family eaten by ego

Born an awkward child

Always felt out of place growing up

Bullied, made fun of, alone

Born with nature not considered natural

Gay, alone, frustrated

Hiding in the shadows

Always scared to be seen for his real self

Struggled with his identity

Lied to himself, lost himself

Found love

And lost it, for he was unable to sacrifice

His stance, his freedom to choose

Lost the only person who showed selfless love

Fell for someone who can’t lovd his back

Fell for someone who doesn’t know

Fell in a pitch dark hole

Trying to climb up

And life throws a curve ball

Lost a ball

Diagnosed with cancer

All plans asked to be rethought

Frustrated, on the ground again

Wants to run away

Wants to stop breathing

Wishes it was that easy

Wishes he was never born

Wishes he could take back his existence

But wishes don’t come true

Reality kills

Lives with the knife plunged into his heart

He is not dead yet

Only learning to live

Sadness and you

I feel sad today

I feel like im loosing a lot of things

I hear too many negative thoughts crowding my mind

I feel a lot of things weighing me down

What have i become?

What has life become?

Am i loosing you?

The only connection I made in years

Why have you become so important to me?

Even when I know I am not anymore for you

Am i alone again?

Yes, yes i am