Clingy, desperate

I fear I have become clingy, have I? I have been desperate for love, for companionships. Have I gone overboard? May be.

My expectations has grown and now I fear I will be dissapointed. So here I am taking a step back, breathe. As I give him space, I give myself space as well. I need to focus on myself now. I need to be desperate for my own peace of mind, love for myself and take care of my own well being.

I am enough.

What makes you feel alive?

Funny how I used to try so hard to not feel pain, and now that very feeling, pain makes me feel alive. Like this world is real, I am alive and I am living because I can feel pain. It hurts and I feel it. Feeling it gives me the sense of being alive. It is sad, of all the things, pain! I curse at myself but it is what it is and I accept that. I hope someday this pain will be replaced by peace or happiness or something else.

Melancholy state of mind

I had heard them describe their feeling with the word, Melancholy. To me, it was a fancy word back then, probably because I did not understand the word but I had looked up the meaning of the word then and forever imprinted in my head. I forget the meaning of the word every now and then but life reminds me.

Who knew I would use to word to use how I was feeling, but the current state of my emotion is best described as Melancholy. All of a sudden I get engulfed in sadness. A few minutes back I was laughing with my friends and then Poof! went away my joy replaced by the sadness, and the reason I see none. Nothing has happened to me, life is as is or even better. I’m happy, joyful most of the time. I have good friends. Life is better than I thought it would be but there I am sad.

Is it a person? an event? a moment? a thought? What is the trigger of this feeling?

Seeking Assurances

This heart seeks for an assurance,
that things are going to alright,
that I will find the love of my life,
that I will find happiness in someone new.

But for now, I will smile with the happy moments I have in a friendship
For now, I will smile with all that I have.
And not dwell on what could have been,
Not what I wish I had.

Live in today,
Live in the now.
Yet this heart wants this tomorrow as well.
This heart is greedy for these moments of happiness.

Change is coming

I can feel the shift of energy in you and now my energy is changing as well. And it is breaking me down. My heart and my soul. And I am praying that this won’t reach my body. I can’t have that, for that is going to affect a lot of people which I don’t want. I want to live a detached life, away from everyone. Why am I like this? Why can’t I change? Why am I this fragile? Why? Do u know?

Accepting my feeling

I cannot not love you
I cannot throw you out of my life
I want to but,
I am not going to kill my heart
It has been through enough for a lifetime.

Am I supposed to do the “right thing”?
I have no energy
I will make do
Let life take its course
For you will pass by me
In time
I will pass by you
Till then
I will smile and
Thank you for being around
For what I feel is real
And I don’t need reciprocation
I don’t need validation
Nor am i asking for it
I am not doing anything wrong
I am going to feel this feeling
I am going to smile
For as long as I can
For as long as life will let me
For tomorrow I will cry
Today I will be happy.

Cheers

Existence wasted?

Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.