Break

I’m tired.

I’m shutting myself down.

Need a break!

Going in autopilot.

Forever?

These tears won’t fall

If only they did.

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Accepting my feeling

I cannot not love you
I cannot throw you out of my life
I want to but,
I am not going to kill my heart
It has been through enough for a lifetime.

Am I supposed to do the “right thing”?
I have no energy
I will make do
Let life take its course
For you will pass by me
In time
I will pass by you
Till then
I will smile and
Thank you for being around
For what I feel is real
And I don’t need reciprocation
I don’t need validation
Nor am i asking for it
I am not doing anything wrong
I am going to feel this feeling
I am going to smile
For as long as I can
For as long as life will let me
For tomorrow I will cry
Today I will be happy.

Cheers

Existence wasted?

Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.

Moment of love

I could write endless love stories about you and me.

Every detailed moments.

Like how you would get on top of me,

Look me in the eye

Give me a peck in the lips

And roll on to the other side of bed

Search for my hand looking at the ceiling

Grasp my hand tight

Fingers intertwined.

In that fantasy, I could spend a life time.

Another lifetime, may be

My love to you will not be returned. You will have to keep it, treasure it, for this kinda pure love will be hard to find again. Once I am gone. I will be gone. For my own sake.

You are setting out to start a new journey, I want to be part of it, close to it. I want to be your guardian angel but you have been mine for some time. I run to you. How will I run away from you?

You are in love. You smile. You care for her. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad that it is not me. Happy you are getting your life on track. You are seeing the bigger aspect of life. But I am not her. Can never be.

I feel the love you have for me, I know you do too. If this is my imagination, so be it. But we cannot become us. But I am happy with this friendship. I am at peace.

Maybe in the next life, our souls will be together, not separated by anything.

Breaking free

I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.

We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.

I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.

You are going to be happy.

I am going to be happy.

We are going to stay friends.

I will support you all the way in this life.

Cheers my friend.

This is love.