You came like a cool breeze and you faded away
Too quickly, gone.
You came like a cool breeze and you faded away
Too quickly, gone.
Life is a series of unexpected events. He was happy, he was content with himself and his life. Yes he didn’t have everything but he was okay with where he was. He was smiling and all it took was one question, “What now?” to shake the ground beneath his feet. He is now on the ground, he fell on his ass again. He was stabbed from the back by the people he trusted, people he stood up for, people he cared for and now he questions everything again. Another reality check from the part of his life he least expected, the part that gave him his smile. With his trust broken he wonders if he’ll ever find it again!
He cried and cried. He is sad. He is heartbroken. He is discouraged. He is demoralized.
He talked to all the people in his life he could talk to about this slap on his face. He couldn’t stay this way. So he found himself a solution but is he okay? He is hurt. He is trying not to show. A solution doesn’t always means the solution. He smiles, he jokes but his heart hurts from all this pretending, from the betrayal. He questions the solution he found for himself. He questions his decision. He has nothing. He has lost again. He has lost himself again.
He has started again with a heavy heart. He is scared to loose again, he is scared of feeling the pain again, he doesn’t think he deserves this pain, not after he worked so hard for everything. Did he harm anybody? Is this karma coming back around?
He can start again. He will start again. He is strong. Stronger than he knows.
If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.
I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.
So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.
I try sometimes to remember good times from the days that has gone by and I dun seem to recall any. Is my definition of good times wrong or did I just pass all these time without a single moment to hold precious, a moment I was completely happy. This makes me wonder if the definition of happiness is wrong as well. And that is all I have moments filled with confusion, scared of letting go and just setting myself free is what I dream of instead I give myself reason why not to do things I want to or I simply put them off saying to myself that time is yet to come but the truth be told I dunno how long I’m here in this world for. This makes me ask myself if the time full of uncertainties will be enough or if I will just put them off once again like I’m doing it right now. Why do I put this restrain on myself to act? I’m just feeling things and may be that is only because I can’t control that, if I had it in me to choose I would have probably choose to stop feeling anything like they show vampires shutting off their humanity! Haha to that!! Or maybe I’m dun have to be a vampire to do that, maybe I’m already doing it on some level and I just dunno about it. So here I am feeling empty, wondering if I’d make the same kinda noise like a empty vessel does. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be all the way through my life. Hopefully not, hopefully not.
It was a normal day for me, woke up late, got to college late; when i was about to start taking notes did i realize it was 31st December, the last day of 2012. That made me realize how out of space and time i had been lately. That brought a smirk on my face thinking about how fast a year had passed by. why is it always at the end do we realize the speed of time, how changes go un-noticed, how mistakes are realized when your time to make amends is up.
The 21st December, the day the world was supposed to end has passed and this was possibly the most talked about day. it was 2 years back i guess i was there talking to my friend the world can’t end because there are so much i want to do and need to do, that i’m just not ready to die yet. But there was a part of me that did hoped for the world to end as that would mean end of everything, that would have meant no more disappointing anybody or being disappointed by anybody either, that would have meant no more of hopes dying out or trying so hard not to let that last light of hope from burning out but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see as its already 2013 now.
This is a lonely world, atleast it is for me anyway you look at it. I adapt myself to my surrounding and try be happy and most times i am, atleast seem that way. But i’m not truly happy, there is still that darkness in my heart and soul that brings me to reality, that stops me from getting carried away. I usually am at ease but then i notice these small things or some big things and there i’m back again at that corner of me that i tell myself i’m going to lock way and never come back to. I want to say it out loud how lonely i am, at times i’m able to push that way but when i’m living a life that keeps reminding how lonely i am there is just no point wasting that energy pushing that feeling away. I got nobody to blame but me and the way i am.
So its new year people are probably in a celebratory mood, probably spent the last night counting down the last 10 seconds and clinking glasses and wishing everybody a happy new year. I was also doing the wishing part but wasn’t feeling it. I never feel like celebrating be it a new year or my birthday. Do i want to? of course i do, i want to be around people i love and cherish but i wonder if there is anybody.
I started this post thinking i would write about what i will be doing this year and all the great stuff, the positive stuffs but i honestly dunno how more positive can i possibly be. i have pushed my worries, my thoughts so deep inside of me that at times i barely find myself thinking, i just act the way i’m supposed to, the way it is appropriate. and there are moments when things just explode out of you, you just find tears flow down your cheek and wonder why.
I think its time to focus on just myself, on what is important with hope everything else just comes into place itself.
this year is going to be about being happy with myself,with who i am, accepting what i know for sure, not focusing on finding the answers that has just wasted my time in the past and finding solutions to the problems and not being afraid. But when you don’t have your ground to stand on the fear comes along automatically. And one thing for sure is that im not going to be looking for anybody anymore, i got myself and need to feel okay with that and not want to much off the world coz i got nothing to give to world right now. may be later when i have something to give will i ask for something out of this world, this life, till them i can get as lonely as i want and be happy there and just focus on myself and focus on building somewhat of a solid ground to stand on my own. that is exactly what my next couple of years is going to be about.
They say if you want to start something new you got to do it on a clean slate and I think its time I do that.
I’ve been living with the past haunting me in my head. I’m probably just imagining that but these thought are not easy to let go. It’s this feeling of being unable to have what I want; this feeling you get when see what u want to become part of your life but then u realize you wont able to have that, that feeling of being a rejection is sure not easy to deal with. It leaves you feeling unwanted, disgusted with yourself and eventually hate yourself. I’d lying if I said I’m over that but I’m trying to and try harder not to let that happen again. These psychological barriers I have up in my head makes me ask a lot of questions to myself, questions that I can’t avoid and the answers to that usually stops me from living a life I want to, be me. that’s how things have been for me and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one but that doesn’t mean its good it’s just that I need not let this psychological thing stop me live and do what I want to. Sometimes asking questions don’t help because looking for answers might just make you forget about just going out there and miss out on the adventures, experiences that might just make you a better you. So if you are reading this and can relate, even if you don’t go LIVE; If u already are GOOD!
a little bit of hope doesn’t matter how tiny it might be it helps u keep going in life; it teaches you that u gotta believe in yourself try your best, not expect big things and not worry too much, the things will take-care of itself but always prepare yourself for the worst possible case…that’s what it’s like for me right now and i don’t feel bad but i’m yet to LIVE.