Death is definite

I am only human.

I have said it before and I will repeat it again and again, for it is a fact. It is neither good nor bad. It is just how it is.

Human are instruments of both good and bad. What a human does is up to him, his choices – good or bad. He is responsible for his actions, whether he did it consciously or unknowingly. It is his responsibility. He can’t fight it. He has to accept it. He has to own it. How he does it is up to him.

I deal with the good and the bad by telling myself, I am only human. I accept my actions. I accept the mistakes I made, I apologize. I will try not to repeat the mistake again but the fact remains what is done is done and cannot be undone. That is another fact,

We can’t undo what is already done. Unless you can control time. I can’t. I am a mere human

I have been on earth for 26 years now, most of which I have spent as a child. Now even my childish ways haven’t left me and I don’t think it ever will. As long as I acknowledge my mistakes, learn to not repeat them and actually learn from them, I will be fine.I have to be. I want to live, experience everything as they come along, deal with it all and survive. For I will die and I want to die with a smile. I know I am not perfect, I don’t think anybody is.

I am my own perfect self and I will never fit into anybody definition of perfection.

My days are numbered and in these days I want to live, do what I need to and let the days pass. I do not want an extra-ordinary life. Just a simple, plain life. I just want to live.

Rather…

I rather live with failures than with regrets

It is easy to just do nothing. Not try to be happy, not try to find love, not try to build myself and my mother a comfortable future and the list goes on. It is easy to blame everything, life, circustances but it is tough to accept them and try harder, be it against these immovable forces. The question i ask myself is prettly simple yet tough. Do i want to live knowing i tried or do i want to live knowing i gave up? I won’t give up on myself on life or anything i am strong and i will fight survive my way through all of this and hopefully find my nirvana. And hopefully i won’t be alone.

I am a man bent by circumstances, life and nature. Sometimes i fight them. Sometimes i move along.

Survival. 

Loosing battle?

I smile. I am sarcastic. I am loud. I argue with people. I laugh. I think I am putting on a show for the world so they don’t see through my eyes and see the sadness.

I am hurting. There are days when i’m sad and tears just roll down. Times I am forced to hold them back, for I don’t want the world to see me break down.

I am consumed by sadness among many other feelings which is making me loose a bit of me slowly.

I am dying inside.

There are days when I can feel my heart ache. I thought it was just psychological until I read an article the other day, about how the emotions are just not psychological but physical as well. Could it be physical as well? What is going on with me? Am I going under? Is this depression? Is there a possibility that this might kill me?

I don’t want to die just yet! I am not done fighting for myself, my life!

Clean slate

They say if you want to start something new you got to do it on a clean slate and I think its time I do that.

I’ve been living with the past haunting me in my head. I’m probably just imagining that but these thought are not easy to let go. It’s this feeling of being unable to have what I want; this feeling you get when see what u want to become part of your life but then u realize you wont able to have that, that feeling of being a rejection is sure not easy to deal with. It leaves you feeling unwanted, disgusted with yourself and eventually hate yourself. I’d lying if I said I’m over that but I’m trying to and try harder not to let that happen again. These psychological barriers I have up in my head makes me ask a lot of questions to myself, questions that I can’t avoid and the answers to that usually stops me from living a life I want to, be me. that’s how things have been for me and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one but that doesn’t mean its good it’s just that I need not let this psychological thing stop me live and do what I want to. Sometimes asking questions don’t help because looking for answers might just make you forget about just going out there and miss out on the adventures, experiences that might just make you a better you. So if you are reading this and can relate, even if you don’t go LIVE; If u already are GOOD!

 

Choices

life is all about making choices and living with the consequences that comes along with a smile. i say with a smile because you can always find something that could make you sad or hurt whatever but you can choose not to look all those things; the sarcasm that people throw at you thinking they are so great, they must think they are so much on a higher level of some sort so that they can look down on others. its always easy to point a finger at others than look at what you could be doing about it. but i’ll look over all the negatives and focus on the positives, atleast try to and not show even if i’m pissed because i’m a better person who’d like to focus on myself. atleast i try to at all times.

Words that move you

I have heard a lot of great saying that have come from celebrities and i heard one today from one Matt Meringue, a masterchef australia judge and it goes like this

If you are going through hell, keep going coz you’ll be surprized at what you can achieve.

There have been many words spoken that have moved masses. Words are great indeed, can make people do things they wouldn’t have had been able to do if not for those words. There was something Oprah Winfrey said that sort of started a revolution in me, or you could even call it a evolution but it has helped me a lot at hard times. I don’t remember the exact words but the gist of it was that we need to love ourselves, embrace who we are then only can we expect from others to love and respect us. It has to begin from within ourselves.

Haunting regret

It was three years ago I started that journey with a hope to live the dream; the dream that I loved was to save lives but I thought it was a better idea to abandon that dream for the sake of a lot of things. Here I am in 2011 started on a new journey but that I dream I left off still haunts me. I was watching ‘Grey’s anatomy’ today where this ‘acting’ doctor goes to the parents of the little girl to let them know their girl is safe. And all that was playing in my head was that I wanted to LIVE such a moment and I realized that was never going to happen. At that moment I felt was that sharp pain, tears swelled up in my eyes and all that I could tell myself was don’t let the tears fall. That white coat, that stethoscope around my neck, saving lives is nothing but a distant dream now, a dream that I need to let go of; a wish that will never come true. Well I’ve been saying that for a long time now but I know that regret I will always have, for not going for it. It was I who thought being practical was the important thing, may be it is but I let a part of me die with that decision, and that remorse is whats eating me inside out!

I see me running away from acknowledging the fact that i’m hurting and in turn I’m turning into this another person who has given up on himself. Sure I say a lot of inspiring stuffs to myself and others but that’s what it’s limited to ‘saying’, when it comes to acting the part I rather do nothing but sleep. In another words I’m just breathing, doing nothing but at the last moment when it becomes do or die situations. May be that’s because those moments are the only times when I feel alive, feel like I’m living and haven’t given up on myself. But in reality I see I have. I know if I don’t turn this around I’m doomed. I know but I don’t have any energy to fight this through, so I feel. That is where I’m stuck, at ‘I know’. When people are trying to inspire me telling me things I just end up with that ‘I know smirk’ I have and I put on a smile and say thank you because I want that, those inspiring words  makes me feel like I mean something for a moment but in reality I know I’m nothing. This feeling its like I’ve lost my reasons and nothing else is coming even close the one I had which I don’t remember much about. Its funny isn’t it? I know i could be doing other stuffs i need to be doing right now instead of writing this but I don’t know why but I can’t seem to be able to gathering up the strength I need. Besides i feel like i need to let this out into the wide space out there and i know no one is hearing this either. It feels like I have nobody and nothing to look forward to, no one to pour myself out to, no one to hold onto. The ones I have is my family, feels like I’m nothing more that more than a load on their shoulder on top of all they have. I was born to be something else, I know, I have the clear image of that person I’m supposed to be but all I have ended up being is a disappointment. But I have never found an answer to ‘who do I want to be?’

hope
A ray of light is enough to push though the clouds and brighten the darkest of days

Here I am ending this feeling, filling myself with a hope that some how I will be able to muster up the courage to do what I need to be doing, to be the person I’m supposed to be for this family, for myself. That’s all I have now a little bit of hope that I can come out of this; to rise out of the ashes of oneself with a new life like a phoenix. I can’t be a disappointment for ever. I look back in the days when the reality hadn’t hit me, I remember back in the third grade I had that spirit to take on the world, confident, courageous, scared of nothing, always giving the best to be the no.1 in the class, and now more than ever I need that. I once had it so I bet I can have that spirit again but the path to it is foggy but I need to have it to make it in this life. So here I am starting on a mission to change a lot of things and it’s going to be hard but then nothing is easy. I know I have done this before and ended up in circles, now I know this is it I can feel it this time. It’s now or never; so here it goes to a better me, a better life