As we kissed, you said “I love you”
And i mumbled “Okay”
I hurt the last person who said that to me.
You said again “I love you”
And I mumbled “I love you too”
But love alone is not enough.
You said “are you sure? you don’t have to say it”
I said “i will have to ask myself that”
Were the words said for the sake of it, do these words weight this little?
I did feel the love the first night we spent together. It was beautiful.
But where are we going? I don’t see it. I barely know you.
Are these all words coming as excuses to stay away from love, or you don’t feel the same?
Relationship weak and in pieces
Only tears and heartache
Is it better to have nothing than this?
I wish for nothing
I wish to be no one
Disappear like I never existed
But what will that bring? Peace?
Or just numbness?
Why am I running after ghosts? People I wish were with me. Feelings I wish existed. Realities I dream of. Why am I causing my own unhappiness and expecting others to take care of it! Why am I expecting so much from outside when I know this is something that needs to be addressed from inside. Why I chasing after what is not there? Why?
My desperation for love, friendship has cost me my self-worth, my energy and filled me with negativity. These people are adults, they have lives they are focused on I cannot be a nuisance for them to deal with but be the support for them when they need me. For now, I need to focus on myself and it makes me feel lonely to deal with this alone but I have to do this on my own. Stand up again on my own, gather strength to be everything I need to be, the best version of me.
No more excuses. No more hiding behind excuses. No more complaining. No more expecting. No more trying to force anything on anyone. No more putting others first. No more losing myself in this maze of life. It is time to rise now.
It is time for the ghosts to the dissappear. If they are to materialize welcome with open arms. That is it!
Leave for yourself
Leave for peace
Leave for possibilities
Leave for your future
Leave to search for freedom
Leave, enough pain has been felt
Leave, before things get worse
Leave, this is killing you
Leave to live
Leave to smile
Leave because you deserve a better life
Leave for yourself
Leave for possibilities
I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.
We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.
I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.
You are going to be happy.
I am going to be happy.
We are going to stay friends.
I will support you all the way in this life.
Cheers my friend.
This is love.
The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.
Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.
My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Is this why you never taught me to dream?
Because I am cursed?
Cursed at birth
Cursed while growing up
Cursed now that i have grown-up
If this is what’s in stored for me, it’s okay
I will learn to dream
Don’t expect me to give up
Don’t expect me to stop fighting
Coz I will till I have breath left in me.
It feels like life is trying to break me down.
One thing after the other. It has been just mentally challenging till now and I have survived, grown strong not smart though. And now it is giving me physical challenge on top of more mental challenges. It has given me tumor which might be cancer. It is a disease that will change a lot of things for me in life going forward. Though highly curable, there is still chances of 1-5% of it returning back, still a number which requires me to be careful with myself now.
I know I will get through this. I know I’m strong, but am I strong enough? I am trying to prepare myself but I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared, trying hard not to show, not let the tears fall because,
I am a card in a house of cards, if I fall so will this house of cards. And that I will try very hard to not happen.
I am strong. I am moving forward. I am healing. I am healthy. I am peace. I am calm. I can withstand anything.
I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?
I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.
I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.
But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.
The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!