My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Is this why you never taught me to dream?
Because I am cursed?
Cursed at birth
Cursed while growing up
Cursed now that i have grown-up
If this is what’s in stored for me, it’s okay
I will learn to dream
Don’t expect me to give up
Don’t expect me to stop fighting
Coz I will till I have breath left in me.
It feels like life is trying to break me down.
One thing after the other. It has been just mentally challenging till now and I have survived, grown strong not smart though. And now it is giving me physical challenge on top of more mental challenges. It has given me tumor which might be cancer. It is a disease that will change a lot of things for me in life going forward. Though highly curable, there is still chances of 1-5% of it returning back, still a number which requires me to be careful with myself now.
I know I will get through this. I know I’m strong, but am I strong enough? I am trying to prepare myself but I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared, trying hard not to show, not let the tears fall because,
I am a card in a house of cards, if I fall so will this house of cards. And that I will try very hard to not happen.
I am strong. I am moving forward. I am healing. I am healthy. I am peace. I am calm. I can withstand anything.
I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?
I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.
I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.
But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.
The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!
Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.
When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.
All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.
People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.
Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Lots of love from this heartless person.
So I have fallen from your graces
So I don’t matter
Did I ever?
What happened to the love that was thrown around?
Was it pretend?
It feels that way.
I thought it was real, guess it ain’t.
So i shall leave
So you don’t have to turn away anymore.
Love. All love. Lost. Gone with the wind.
All thats left is my bruised heart.
That will never trust again.
Back in solitude. Where it belongs.
Where it shall remain.
I had accepted this loneliness. My mind had already accepted and gotten over this. I was okay. Being alone was okay. Loneliness didn’t bother me. But that was then. After I was together. And now i am alone again. Here i am in now feeling lonely and
I don’t want to be alone.
I have to learn again. I have to learn. I have to be okay in this loneliness.