Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!

Guilt ridden

Dear friend,

Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.

When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.

All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.

People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.

Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Lots of love from this heartless person.

Gone with the wind

So I have fallen from your graces

So I don’t matter

Did  I ever?

What happened to the love that was thrown around?

Was it pretend?

It feels that way.

I thought it was real, guess it ain’t.

So i shall leave

So you don’t have to turn away anymore.

Love. All love. Lost. Gone with the wind.

All thats left is my bruised heart.

That will never trust again.

Back in solitude. Where it belongs.

Where it shall remain.

The last letter

Dear lover,

This is my last letter to you, my dear dear lover boy. It would be nice if I could tell you all this in person but I am a coward and you know that.

Yesterday should have been avoided but I guess we are too late for that. I thought I was okay but I am not. How do I tell you I had to walk away because I could not watch you hurt and just settle for a witness. I was being selfish. But after a year here we are and you are not over anything you were going through. You are still hurting, you are broken and all I did was break your broken heart. All I did was make things worse for you. I made it worse for you. I was not able to save you but I didn’t know I had just helped to make things worse for you. I wish my apologies could save you, take away your pain. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could go back and tried harder to help you. Tried harder to stay with you. I am but a mere mortal and incapable of turning back time.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. And I deserve nothing less.

I am going to try to slowly move out now. Since I can’t help you, because I will only remind you of all that you have lost. What hurts me is knowing that may be you were never in love with me. May be I never stopped being a distraction from your far-away lover. You still love him. May be you loved us both but I am nothing before your first love.

I never wanted love. I didn’t want what I thought we had. I don’t remember what we had, all we went thought in detail like you did. I had to save myself. All those memories, you did was to remind me to smile but I am not sure if I will be able to after yesterday.

You are my first like he is yours. So you shall remain in my heart. I wish I had a stronger heart. I wish we had never met.

All said and done, I am a mere human with the only choice to live with, to learn to smile thinking of the days that went by. To not repeat the mistakes I made with you with somebody else.

I hope you find your peace. You have been broken for too long.

Rather…

I rather live with failures than with regrets

It is easy to just do nothing. Not try to be happy, not try to find love, not try to build myself and my mother a comfortable future and the list goes on. It is easy to blame everything, life, circustances but it is tough to accept them and try harder, be it against these immovable forces. The question i ask myself is prettly simple yet tough. Do i want to live knowing i tried or do i want to live knowing i gave up? I won’t give up on myself on life or anything i am strong and i will fight survive my way through all of this and hopefully find my nirvana. And hopefully i won’t be alone.

I am a man bent by circumstances, life and nature. Sometimes i fight them. Sometimes i move along.

Survival.