I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.
We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.
I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.
You are going to be happy.
I am going to be happy.
We are going to stay friends.
I will support you all the way in this life.
Cheers my friend.
This is love.
The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.
Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.
My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Is this why you never taught me to dream?
Because I am cursed?
Cursed at birth
Cursed while growing up
Cursed now that i have grown-up
If this is what’s in stored for me, it’s okay
I will learn to dream
Don’t expect me to give up
Don’t expect me to stop fighting
Coz I will till I have breath left in me.
It feels like life is trying to break me down.
One thing after the other. It has been just mentally challenging till now and I have survived, grown strong not smart though. And now it is giving me physical challenge on top of more mental challenges. It has given me tumor which might be cancer. It is a disease that will change a lot of things for me in life going forward. Though highly curable, there is still chances of 1-5% of it returning back, still a number which requires me to be careful with myself now.
I know I will get through this. I know I’m strong, but am I strong enough? I am trying to prepare myself but I don’t know what to expect. I’m scared, trying hard not to show, not let the tears fall because,
I am a card in a house of cards, if I fall so will this house of cards. And that I will try very hard to not happen.
I am strong. I am moving forward. I am healing. I am healthy. I am peace. I am calm. I can withstand anything.
I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?
I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.
I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.
But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.
The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!
Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.
When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.
All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.
People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.
Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Lots of love from this heartless person.