Breaking free

I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.

We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.

I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.

You are going to be happy.

I am going to be happy.

We are going to stay friends.

I will support you all the way in this life.

Cheers my friend.

This is love.

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Strength in love

The suicidal thoughts are creeping back inside my head and they are stronger than before. Today I could actually picture myself jumping off the balcony from the third floor, I could hear the voice in my head telling me to jump. But it was not strong enough. I fear it might get stronger with time.

Today was a hard day, I’m just glad it is over. The day was filled with a lot of self loathing and lack of self esteem. I was just fantasizing my death and then tell myself that is not what I want. It is true I do not like who I am right now in life, I want to live a better life but the easy thing is to give up and I probably would have if it was not just my mother and me. For all she has done for me and my siblings, she deserves better and not have to face her son’s death. It would break her down completely. So death is off the table. Every time I have thought of my death, it has been the thought of my mother that has brought me back to sanity. This is in my core, the truth is that I’m alive for her, to give her a better life than she has had. The fact is I won’t be able to do it with the way I am right now, a shy piece of shit. I need to break out of this shell. It is time for change. I thought I wanted to live for myself but in these times I find out, my actual will to live comes from the love I have for my mother. Everything else feels secondary now, my wants and desires. Now is the time I need to focus on me, to become who I need to be, to be able to be the best I can be for her. I know I can. Now in that lies the strength I need.

Asking for Love

There comes a time when, multiple times in life, you find yourself very lonely. You could be around people but you still chose to stay alone because them being around does not change the fact that I am feeling lonely.

Growing up I have been a loner, a sad fellow who always manage to hide the fact really well. I grew up to accept it, adjust to it and then I fell for someone. I mattered to someone. I was loved by someone. Life was beautiful, it was all colorful. I was happy and I knew it, felt it. I found great friends, I mattered to them. We drank, we sang, we enjoyed our times together. I was not lonely anymore. I was not sad. Sure I still had things that were bothering me but I was happy.

Things then went south. I lost of lot of thing. Reasons sometimes were me, circumstances, them but that does not matter. Because the fact that I’ve lost everything I had does not change now knowing these reason, blaming someone or times. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m to do right now. So my choice has become to stay alone. Try to find my peace. Try to find my stabilizing agent.

They say your happiness has to come from within, from you. But for some reason I am unable to love myself. The love has always come from others and them I have lost and along with them their love as well. I was trying to hunt for love but I forgot love is given not asked for.

You are gone

My love you are gone

You have left me truely this time

You have met another man

You have forgotten me

Took less time than I thought it would

Yet here I am still hanging on to the love we had

I will never get over you

I just hope life will bring me someone give me enough love to not remember

The love we once.

The love you once made me feel.

Past and Present

I am lost for words to describe you
I don’t have enough words to describe you

You took me out of the box I was living in
You are teaching me to live in this harsh world

I wish I had given you more love than I did
I wish I could love you like I want to

I wish things had never ended for us
I wish we could begin like my heart desires

You are the best thing that ever happened to me
You are the best thing to walk into my life

I wish we never went our separate ways
I wish we could be together

You never understood me
You can never understand me

Life just left me with nothing
Only desires left unfulfilled

I should have held you close
I want the courage to face you in the light