Guilt ridden

Dear friend,

Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.

When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.

All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.

People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.

Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Lots of love from this heartless person.

Silence kills, so Talk.

I want to become silence but I am dying because of your silence. I have hurt you, it could be a lot of things and I don’t even know what to apologize for. You won’t tell. You have let go of me. You avoid me and if that is what you want to do right now then, okay. I want to talk to you about this but I’m worried I will push away more and knowing you I don’t want to do that. Talking won’t solve this. You need to time but the question is how much. I have been giving you space and you have just been avoiding me. Your fake smile has been no help either. I wish I could heal our friendship more than anything right now. But the fact is wishing won’t do anything. You became an important part of my life but I wasn’t there for you. It has been bugging me. It was unintentional. It was miscommunication but how do I explain. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to give you excuses, try to justify why I wasn’t there. The fact that I wasn’t there won’t change.

I hope things will pass. I hope this storm will pass. I know it will, but what will be left behind? everything there ever was? nothing?

Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.

Emotions & people

Why are we complicated?
Why are we so emotional?

Do you know?
How would you?

You are busy killing yourself
You are your own biggest enemy.

You are lost in the happy ending that will not be
You are fight a fight you have already lost
You have been fighting alone
While he has been busy planning a future for himself.
Alone.
I gave you my advice
I said throw him out
But I see you are still living in the lie
I don’t want to watch you kill yourself

You are heart broken
Your pack left you by yourself
I stayed as long as I could
I guess that was not enough
You have made your decision
You have shut me out
Now all I see is your dead face
For others you smile and you laugh
You pretend like I don’t exist
You think I haven’t noticed
When I asked
You said nothing

All I’m thinking about is why
Why are you doing this to yourself
Why am I so bothered by this
Why can’t I get you out of my mind
Why did I get shut out

When did you become this important.
I am sad
I want to help
But i’m cut in place hard to heal
How can I help you
When I can’t help myself
How can I give you everything
When I have nothing

Do you not understand?
Why the fuck are you so selfish?

Losing again

Hold me or i am leaving

Because i am tired

Of your coldness

Of your indeference

Of your turned back

Of your forced few syllables

I don’t need them

You don’t need me

You don’t need the love i threw at you

You don’t need to know i care

You don’t need this shit

I won’t bother with this feeling now.

Because this is a shit i don’t need.

I won’t give you the warmth

I have very less to give away

You don’t want it anyway.

What hurts me, are holes in my heart

Thank you for another one

Thank for reminding me i am not worthy of love

But i am strong

See i am still standing

My heart is still alive

I am still alive

I have been hurt too many times

I have come out of it alive before

I will again.

But i still wish you would hold me

But i still wish you were happy

I wish you could see past your sadness

I wish i was not feeling this

Even when you said otherwise

I know my gut

I can hear it telling me for what it is

For it has been right too many times before

So farewell.

I will still be here

But i will stay away

Watching and wishing you the world.

Goodbye as i close my heart

For it needs to heal now

Gone with the wind

So I have fallen from your graces

So I don’t matter

Did  I ever?

What happened to the love that was thrown around?

Was it pretend?

It feels that way.

I thought it was real, guess it ain’t.

So i shall leave

So you don’t have to turn away anymore.

Love. All love. Lost. Gone with the wind.

All thats left is my bruised heart.

That will never trust again.

Back in solitude. Where it belongs.

Where it shall remain.

Dear Stranger

You came into my life completely unexpectedly. You reminded of things I was trying so hard to give up on. I thought you were a kid; I call you kid and here I am now longing to call you so many things. You know what we have is something else and you accept it but yet you run from us, from everything we have. I hope you don’t end up regretting your decision later on in your life. A part of me want you to regret, wants you to realize what you gave up on but then a part of me wishes you were just being nice to me and never meant the words you told me. I don’t want to accept either of them to be the truth.

I have never felt this strongly before or fought this hard for a person. I am the kind who lets go, moves on. Yet here I am wishing I could talk to you every night like we used to. We talked everyday for small period of time and yet here I am wishing it I was talking to you over writing this right now. I would travel back in time to fix but then I don’t know what to fix. It’s sad to loose something when you know you could be happy with. I can still see myself very happy with. I can see us. Together. Yet it feels like we are strangers now; we are where we began. Nowhere.

I would prefer a “I’m sorry, you are not who I thought you were” to this “You are great but I dun deserve you”. It is may be because I know it’s all crap and you just know I’m not the one you want to be with.

I do have a regret about us. I could not see myself with you initially so I avoided meeting you. What if I had met you? What if I went for when you invited me for lunch? What if i had gone to the movies with you? What if…That is all I’m left with right now. Filled with regret.

With regret, I also carry hope. Hope, that we’ll cross path again. I wish we are meant to be. May be, just not now.