Numb again

Broken family

Broken bonds

Relationship weak and in pieces

Hurtful words

Only tears and heartache

Till when?

Is it better to have nothing than this?

I wish for nothing

I wish to be no one

Disappear like I never existed

But what will that bring? Peace?

Or just numbness?

Wishes and lovers

Curious innocence
You were the first one I ever felt connected with, it was an hour was it we spent together? I remember I wanted to devour you. You felt like everything I need maybe you still are. We met at the wrong time I guess but I’m glad we met. Maybe there is still a chance for us but you have seas to cross. Only time will tell.

Otherworldly Vagabond
You I left behind. I loved you. I still do. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.

Mischevious bear
I see you. Your ambitions are bigger than anything else. I can’t see us together. You feel so comfortable, I feel at peace at the thought of you.

Fake-meat eater
Guarded. funny. sarcastic. I’ve barely scratched the surface. You will open with time and the is what we are running out of.

And I
I am lost. Within.
Desperate. Longing for togetherness.
None of you are right, neither wrong.
Perfect.
Patience.

I am enough.
Wishes.

Accepting them for who they are

The closer you get to people, you get exposed to their cruel side, their dark side, their fucked-up side you did not think existed. You want to scream at them on top of your lungs, tell them to fuck off.

Fuck you! Fuck you asshole!

But then what’s the point? They are who they are, and I doubt people are going to change. It is you who has to adjust. You just saw them for who they can become, a part of them.

But the fault is my own. I trusted. I relied on them. I gave them everything. I gave them me, the unfiltered me. And in return, I expected honesty, understanding but instead, I got a slap on my face, I was left with the well-deserved turmoil inside which is eating me inside-out. I feel like this feeling is killing me from within. I blame me, that’s it!

As for them, I accept them for their goodness and their darkness, the whole, the Ying and the Yang.

Past and Present

I am lost for words to describe you
I don’t have enough words to describe you

You took me out of the box I was living in
You are teaching me to live in this harsh world

I wish I had given you more love than I did
I wish I could love you like I want to

I wish things had never ended for us
I wish we could begin like my heart desires

You are the best thing that ever happened to me
You are the best thing to walk into my life

I wish we never went our separate ways
I wish we could be together

You never understood me
You can never understand me

Life just left me with nothing
Only desires left unfulfilled

I should have held you close
I want the courage to face you in the light

Guilt ridden

Dear friend,

Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.

When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.

All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.

People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.

Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Lots of love from this heartless person.

Silence kills, so Talk.

I want to become silence but I am dying because of your silence. I have hurt you, it could be a lot of things and I don’t even know what to apologize for. You won’t tell. You have let go of me. You avoid me and if that is what you want to do right now then, okay. I want to talk to you about this but I’m worried I will push away more and knowing you I don’t want to do that. Talking won’t solve this. You need to time but the question is how much. I have been giving you space and you have just been avoiding me. Your fake smile has been no help either. I wish I could heal our friendship more than anything right now. But the fact is wishing won’t do anything. You became an important part of my life but I wasn’t there for you. It has been bugging me. It was unintentional. It was miscommunication but how do I explain. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to give you excuses, try to justify why I wasn’t there. The fact that I wasn’t there won’t change.

I hope things will pass. I hope this storm will pass. I know it will, but what will be left behind? everything there ever was? nothing?

Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.