Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!

Guilt ridden

Dear friend,

Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.

When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.

All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.

People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.

Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Lots of love from this heartless person.

Death is definite

I am only human.

I have said it before and I will repeat it again and again, for it is a fact. It is neither good nor bad. It is just how it is.

Human are instruments of both good and bad. What a human does is up to him, his choices – good or bad. He is responsible for his actions, whether he did it consciously or unknowingly. It is his responsibility. He can’t fight it. He has to accept it. He has to own it. How he does it is up to him.

I deal with the good and the bad by telling myself, I am only human. I accept my actions. I accept the mistakes I made, I apologize. I will try not to repeat the mistake again but the fact remains what is done is done and cannot be undone. That is another fact,

We can’t undo what is already done. Unless you can control time. I can’t. I am a mere human

I have been on earth for 26 years now, most of which I have spent as a child. Now even my childish ways haven’t left me and I don’t think it ever will. As long as I acknowledge my mistakes, learn to not repeat them and actually learn from them, I will be fine.I have to be. I want to live, experience everything as they come along, deal with it all and survive. For I will die and I want to die with a smile. I know I am not perfect, I don’t think anybody is.

I am my own perfect self and I will never fit into anybody definition of perfection.

My days are numbered and in these days I want to live, do what I need to and let the days pass. I do not want an extra-ordinary life. Just a simple, plain life. I just want to live.

Silence kills, so Talk.

I want to become silence but I am dying because of your silence. I have hurt you, it could be a lot of things and I don’t even know what to apologize for. You won’t tell. You have let go of me. You avoid me and if that is what you want to do right now then, okay. I want to talk to you about this but I’m worried I will push away more and knowing you I don’t want to do that. Talking won’t solve this. You need to time but the question is how much. I have been giving you space and you have just been avoiding me. Your fake smile has been no help either. I wish I could heal our friendship more than anything right now. But the fact is wishing won’t do anything. You became an important part of my life but I wasn’t there for you. It has been bugging me. It was unintentional. It was miscommunication but how do I explain. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to give you excuses, try to justify why I wasn’t there. The fact that I wasn’t there won’t change.

I hope things will pass. I hope this storm will pass. I know it will, but what will be left behind? everything there ever was? nothing?

Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.