Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.
My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it.
So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.
This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.
Have you dreamt of a prince charming?
I have and he is here
And he is straight
I think i am having another crisis. I think i am getting depressed to the point where the psychologic pain is turning into physical one as well. I wonder if there is some hormonal imbalance in me now that I have lost one nut. I just cringe and the weather is not the reason. I wonder if it is because my ex is happy with another guy. I saw the smile on him. I feel sad i am not the reason anymore. I wonder if it because my work life is in chaos. I don’t seem to be able to get along with most people. I wonder if it is because I am having this ego battle with my sister. I wonder if it is because all my plans have fallen into nothing. I dreamt up a fragile castle of cards. I am breaking uo into pieces again. I am taking tests online to see if i am depressed. I am on the verge of breaking down and breathing deep breaths is the only thing keeping me not on the ground. I have lost faith in God, he is not going to do anything for me. He always has a big price. I am alone. I laugh and try make others laugh along to forget the sadness but they never seem to go far away. Always there, round the corner.
I wish i was never born. I wish i could die without causing any harm. I wish i could cease to exist. I am tired. This heart aches.
My love you are gone
You have left me truely this time
You have met another man
You have forgotten me
Took less time than I thought it would
Yet here I am still hanging on to the love we had
I will never get over you
I just hope life will bring me someone give me enough love to not remember
The love we once.
The love you once made me feel.
Born with the death of the father
Born in a family eaten by ego
Born an awkward child
Always felt out of place growing up
Bullied, made fun of, alone
Born with nature not considered natural
Gay, alone, frustrated
Hiding in the shadows
Always scared to be seen for his real self
Struggled with his identity
Lied to himself, lost himself
And lost it, for he was unable to sacrifice
His stance, his freedom to choose
Lost the only person who showed selfless love
Fell for someone who can’t lovd his back
Fell for someone who doesn’t know
Fell in a pitch dark hole
Trying to climb up
And life throws a curve ball
Lost a ball
Diagnosed with cancer
All plans asked to be rethought
Frustrated, on the ground again
Wants to run away
Wants to stop breathing
Wishes it was that easy
Wishes he was never born
Wishes he could take back his existence
But wishes don’t come true
Lives with the knife plunged into his heart
He is not dead yet
Only learning to live
Am i feeling weak again?
Like the doom is here and I want to surrender
Not because I want to, may be I do
Because it is easier to submit
Knowing I have to keep fighting is becoming burdensome