Existence wasted?

Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.

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Frog out of the well?

My ex-lover used to call me ‘kuwabhitrako bhyaguta’ which translates to frog who dwells inside the well because I was not much of a roamer. I prefered to staying in the bed under my blanket to going out anyday. To my why, he said I should see the world outside of this well I have imprisoned in. I blame this society I was brought up in where my mom prisoned me and grew up to do that to myself. Weird when i think of it. 

So here i am years later remembering his words, trying to change myself. Baby steps. Here i sit on a rooftop restaurant with a beer writing this. I noticed the crowd, the busy roads, the pollution, the broken buildings being repaired, the music, the clear sky, the mountains, the birds and the hustle bustle as the day comes to an end.

This is what life is, series of hustle and bustle. You find youself then u loose yourself. The continuous struggle with finding your passion, love, meaning, soul, relationships, people.

Another crisis at 26

I think i am having another crisis. I think i am getting depressed to the point where the psychologic pain is turning into physical one as well. I wonder if there is some hormonal imbalance in me now that I have lost one nut. I just cringe and the weather is not the reason. I wonder if it is because my ex is happy with another guy. I saw the smile on him. I feel sad i am not the reason anymore. I wonder if it because my work life is in chaos. I don’t seem to be able to get along with most people. I wonder if it is because I am having this ego battle with my sister. I wonder if it is because all my plans have fallen into nothing. I dreamt up a fragile castle of cards. I am breaking uo into pieces again. I am taking tests online to see if i am depressed. I am on the verge of breaking down and breathing deep breaths is the only thing keeping me not on the ground. I have lost faith in God, he is not going to do anything for me. He always has a big price. I am alone. I laugh and try make others laugh along to forget the sadness but they never seem to go far away. Always there, round the corner. 

I wish i was never born. I wish i could die without causing any harm. I wish i could cease to exist. I am tired. This heart aches. 

You are gone

My love you are gone

You have left me truely this time

You have met another man

You have forgotten me

Took less time than I thought it would

Yet here I am still hanging on to the love we had

I will never get over you

I just hope life will bring me someone give me enough love to not remember

The love we once.

The love you once made me feel.

What is next?

Born with the death of the father

Born in a family eaten by ego

Born an awkward child

Always felt out of place growing up

Bullied, made fun of, alone

Born with nature not considered natural

Gay, alone, frustrated

Hiding in the shadows

Always scared to be seen for his real self

Struggled with his identity

Lied to himself, lost himself

Found love

And lost it, for he was unable to sacrifice

His stance, his freedom to choose

Lost the only person who showed selfless love

Fell for someone who can’t lovd his back

Fell for someone who doesn’t know

Fell in a pitch dark hole

Trying to climb up

And life throws a curve ball

Lost a ball

Diagnosed with cancer

All plans asked to be rethought

Frustrated, on the ground again

Wants to run away

Wants to stop breathing

Wishes it was that easy

Wishes he was never born

Wishes he could take back his existence

But wishes don’t come true

Reality kills

Lives with the knife plunged into his heart

He is not dead yet

Only learning to live