Its very frustrating when the people u think you can count on dun give a fuck.
They ask whats and whys, they just look for loop holes to drop out on us. I forget this world is just filled with selfish fucks who are there for you as long as there is something that you can do for them. What i would have appreciated a ‘i cant do this for you’ rather than ‘why do i do this for you’, well to them i wanna shout ‘coz i fucking said so’ but thats not something i want to do as that reaction would just complicate things so i just stay quite and see things for what it is rather than what i thought it was. This world eh! Never is what you think it is, it is enveloped in layers and layers of illusions. Everything is just way more complicated than I like it and that being the reason i like to just stay out of everything and go about my way. Well it certainly feels like what is going to be like in days ahead.
The fault is mine, i just get too involved thinking of all things thats happening is good then it comes to this, me questioning everthing. I’m the kind of person who’d like to live upto my words and keep the promises i made but it seems like promises are made to be broken, and that kills the ounces of confidence i have left in me. It is really hard to live upto the words you gave others when you don’t have enough and there is a other person you gotta rely on. I forget that just coz i do things for people when they ask something of me doesn’t mean it will be done when i ask of something from them. Its times like these that makes me realise being on your own, alone is better.
There are whole other kinds of pains that I not know of; when I read about abuses done to them by the people they love, I wonder of the pain they feel. I ask myself in all of these kinds of pain does my pain become insignificant? I’ve seen pain in the eyes of people when they lose their loved ones to time or death, last goodbyes that were left unsaid, I wonder what kind of pain that leaves behind in people. I wonder if that kind of pain can even be compared to the pain I got in my head.
My pain is of loneliness, of feeling worthless, of not being good enough for the people around me, my pain is in my head, it a disease I’m afraid to acknowledge or accept out in the open. Accepting that out in the open doesn’t do any good either because looked upon by the world as a “damsel in distress”, which is not something I would want in on my book. So I put on my iron mask and tell myself that I’m a one man army who needs to fight my own fights and just get this life done. Sometimes when I hear myself talk like this life is a work that needs to get done and that is exactly what it has started to feel like because of my inability to see the bigger picture in life; I wonder if that is going to change and become something more. I wonder if I’ll ever become significant to people starting with my family. When I think of things I want out of life that is one thing that strikes the cord with me, BEING SIGNIFICANT. That’s the one thing I’m sure of that I need to make out of myself and my life, to take care of people I need to take care and rest take it as it comes. I guess I have given myself a motto in life, I wonder even if it can be called that, a motto.
May be someday I’m going to wake of and realize that I’ve become more than what I thought I would or could have become. May be I’ll become significant in ways I think is possible for me, insignificant cry baby who puts on an iron mask of a man.
It’s the start of festivities here in Nepal; a bit late this year due to astrological stuffs i thinks but The Dashain is finally here! so, HAPPY VIJAYA DASHAMI to everyone reading this.
If u don’t know what exactly i’m talking about, Dashain is a major festival for all the hindus, especially for all the Nepalese. It is the most important one like Christmas is for all the Christians all over the world. This is one of those times when most families spend together play cards, fly kites,bamboo swings, eat a lot of meat and worship a particular goddess Durga, i think she’s goddess of prosperity and protection. There are just too many gods to which one does what. The way i see it there are many forms and everything but there is one almighty “GOD”.
Now that i’m thinking about Dashain it brings lots of good memories, days when my grandmom was with us and all of us used to gather there and spend the days, now that those days won’t be happening they seem to mean more than they used to. I remember back when i was in school i would be all excited a month prior to playing cards and yea about new clothes too. It’s the festival when everyone buys new clothes and where them on a particular day of “Tika”. Thats the day when all the elders put tika(grains mixed with read colour) on the forehead of the younger ones along with Jamara(people grow this barley sprout on a small pot covered from sunlight) and Dakshina(money). I remember being all excited about what to do with all the money i would get, this festival is very special for especially for the kids of my country. But what i like about this festival is what it stands for, that is collecting all the blessings from your elders. This festival is about family, about love and respect for one another. It’s like they are reminding us what matters in life; well who ever started this festival knew what they were doing.
I was watching a report done by BBC about how the homosexual are being brutally murdered by the Iraqi government, just after the end of a war that was happening against terrorism, they have started killing again, haven’t enough people died already? They showed a short interview with a spokesperson of the president in which he told the reporter arrogantly that homosexuality is against their religion and that it was a choice people made they were not going to tolerate. He is so sure he knows everything, that he is right and showed no remorse on the lives that they took. After everything these people have been through, decades of war, you’d think they’d have become wiser!
I will never get tired of talking about how fucked up this world is; how humans always find one thing or the other to start killing each other, how they are bent on causing destruction in their own world; It’s very sad. Sometimes they kill each other in name of religion, caste, wealth, ethnicity, race,…and now sexuality has been added to that long list. Its like people rather put their focus, their resources on destroying others and not using it to better themselves and their lives. I totally don’t get that concept, the way i see it, that’s fucked up!
When are people going to accept others for who they are and not who they want others to be? When will these people learn to accept things for what it is? If they don’t understand things, they take it to be an abomination. Why do these people forget that just like they have the right to live their lives the way they want to, so do the others? When are these people going to learn the concept of “live and let live”? It’s not that hard thing to understand. It’s not quantum physics or anything of that complexity level.
Yes, hatred is a part of this world, of ourselves, does that mean it has to drive us, the world? Don’t they know all hatred brings is sadness, pain, destruction?
If we are to survive, to move forward we as the world has to become one and work with each other with the best things we’ve to offer. I being a 21 year old understands that; so the big question comes in, why don’t these “leaders” of the world understand that? Are we led by fools?