Today I want to not exist, if it was a choice but unfortunately it is not. So I breathe heavily, wishing it were my last. I stomp the earth as hard as I can like my anger would go away but it hasn’t. I am angry at everything. And at myself the most for the person I am, the disappointment I am. Things need to change about myself or I will be this sad forever, a pathetic sad soul, a waste of an existence.
Life has become this continuous cycle of frustration, anger, hating myself and life, want to be alone, no energy to do what needs to be done, finding that bit of energy just enough to get you by at the end moment and making promises to myself that I never keep. It feels like this circle just might not end but I strongly feel the need to break this cycle; something in this life needs change. And there lies in the problem, what do I do? I dunno but I need to do something, I need change and I’ve just waited enough. There is just one thing that comes to my mind ‘work’ but with all this pending stuffs from the school, will I actually be able to do it? I want to find out and here comes another problem I got no skill. Life has a funny way to make you feel worthless like shit.
Be it in life or death, I am alone and I know it, it’s one of those things you just know. And I weigh them both, in life there is everything, in death there is nothing and a question keeps nagging me ‘why choose life? Why choose everything when you can be at peace when there is nothing.’
Yet here I am breathing and living a life I despise in the name of responsibility that fell on my shoulder the day I was born or was it the day he died I’m not sure.
Yet here I am breathing and living being useless, being a failure, being a mistake. It like the strength have left me and little bit I have are being used to keep myself together because if dun do that I will be nothing.
Being nothing and having nothing are two different things; death takes away everything therefore you have nothing ,where as life is making me a nothing, all I have is a longing to be something.
Empty, hollow, cracked shell
taped together with everything left within
strength, hope, willpower
dreams to be filled with life and love
but knows that is impossible
coz there is nothing left here to love
may be new paint job?
even then who’d love a lifeless soul
left with anger, sadness and frustration
There are times we get angry, frustrated, you feel like you want to punch somebody in their face but you shouldn’t harm anybody. So my solution is to eat chilies and withstand the heat. If you can stand that then surely you can control your anger and may be control yourself from doing any harm. I ate two chilies today and it helped.