Loosing battle?

I smile. I am sarcastic. I am loud. I argue with people. I laugh. I think I am putting on a show for the world so they don’t see through my eyes and see the sadness.

I am hurting. There are days when i’m sad and tears just roll down. Times I am forced to hold them back, for I don’t want the world to see me break down.

I am consumed by sadness among many other feelings which is making me loose a bit of me slowly.

I am dying inside.

There are days when I can feel my heart ache. I thought it was just psychological until I read an article the other day, about how the emotions are just not psychological but physical as well. Could it be physical as well? What is going on with me? Am I going under? Is this depression? Is there a possibility that this might kill me?

I don’t want to die just yet! I am not done fighting for myself, my life!

being a dissapointment

there i was doing my report for my workshop exam tomorrow, the band perry’s if i die young was playing i was humming along and my head got thinking if i never woke up after i went to sleep today what would i be remembered for??

looking back at times as far as i can remember
what i hav is nothing..nothing to be remebered for..what hav i been besides a dissapointment to my friends, my family and most of all to the man in the mirror in whose eyes all i see is that emptiness. that desire to live, to be free, to stand on his own two feet and all i have been telling him is to wait. i tell him have patience and all the while i lay on my bed just contemplating on the things i’ve given up, the people i have lost in time, my failure to be a good friend to the ones i have, and i dont even wanna get started on the family. some other time may be.

i wonder if this i what i will stay like this forever or will i ever grow into something..something i could be proud of and stop pretending and that fake smile to be replaced my the real thing. i ask if its because im alone and the real thing still remains a mystery to me.

i was talking to a friend yesterday, he told me ‘life is a like a one nightstand stranger u dont want to reveal’.. may be just may be  i know exactly what life is for me i just dont want to except it.. rather fight the part of me that wants to except the facts….the fact of life that fact of me. and the battle thats dont seem to end in me is whats wearing me out! mess a big mess…a demon to be tamed aint a easy thing to do!!