Trying to let go…

Three years since we met, more than a year since we went our separate ways. And still this heart wonders where you are, what you are doing, how you are doing. I lied to you the time we talked. I haven’t let you go. I have been trying to let you go. I am. I just haven’t been able to let you go. I don’t know if i want to, i dun think i want to because i feel guilty for tying to let you go. I feel sad for myself but i don’t want to break your heart again, instead i have been breaking other hearts. I don’t know. I am getting feed up with myself.

I wish we were together. I wish we were happy together. But now all i can wish for is that we find hapiness.

I never thought love would do this to me. But it has. Like i didn’t have enough of heartaches. Life is hard, god is cruel and i shall breathe again.

Begin again

Life is a series of unexpected events. He was happy, he was content with himself and his life. Yes he didn’t have everything but he was okay with where he was. He was smiling and all it took was one question, “What now?” to shake the ground beneath his feet. He is now on the ground, he fell on his ass again. He was stabbed from the back by the people he trusted, people he stood up for, people he cared for and now he questions everything again. Another reality check from the part of his life he least expected, the part that gave him his smile. With his trust broken he wonders if he’ll ever find it again!

He cried and cried. He is sad. He is heartbroken. He is discouraged. He is demoralized.

He talked to all the people in his life  he could talk to about this slap on his face. He couldn’t stay this way. So he found himself a solution but is he okay? He is hurt. He is trying not to show. A solution doesn’t always means the solution. He smiles, he jokes but his heart hurts from all this pretending, from the betrayal. He questions the solution he found for himself. He questions his decision. He has nothing. He has lost again. He has lost himself again.

He has started again with a heavy heart. He is scared to loose again, he is scared of feeling the pain again, he doesn’t think he deserves this pain, not after he worked so hard for everything. Did he harm anybody? Is this karma coming back around?

He can start again. He will start again. He is strong. Stronger than he knows.

Heart breaker

So this is what it feels like
to have crushed somebody’s heart
Dead, like there is nothing in me anymore
just a deep black hole and it doesn’t matter what I do
I won’t be able to fill that hole within.

So this is what is feels like
to have broken somebody’s soul
and my human instinct just tells me to move on
pushes me to keep living on another day, mundane tasks that won’t really matter in the end it just won’t matter.

empty. void. selfish. survival.
Survive, that’s the word my head is repeating to me, Survive.