Stopping insanity, at what cost?

I used to be an introvert, bottled up everything, processed everything before I spoke and tried to always speak the right thing which I still try to do just not that hard. Then I thought may be I became an extrovert but then I discovered ambivert, which I think I am but then these are just words, labels and I’ve always hated labels yet always tried to label myself. To repeat myself again, I’m fucked up.

Am I full of shit? Probably yes, I think so. Am I insane? I’m getting there. But I don’t want to. You would think why one earth someone in their twenties would go insane? I almost did when I felt all of the emotions and the thoughts up in your head got crowded more than I could handle, my brain in my twenties could handle. I was crying one moment and laughing the other, my sanity leaving me. When that happened the way I was changed, I said things, didn’t give much thought to what people might say; basically acted before I processed my thoughts and I felt free and okay about myself, sometimes good about myself. I learnt, I adapted to keep myself sane or you could say stopped myself from going insane or loose myself in the heat of a moment. But then I became I acted in ways that people would not call ‘ideal’, a clown in others’ eyes. I know that. I have always known. Usually I don’t give a fuck about what people thought of me, I just didn’t care enough. Then come people you put you on the spotlight and give you a reality check.

I live in a world where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t care, that people don’t care but the reality is that there are people who care, and I should give that a thought or two. In my case it comes as long trains of thoughts of whats, whys and hows.

And I need to process them before I go mad. But processing my thoughts is not the first thing that comes to my mind that I want to do. I want to crawl under a rock and just stay there. And I remind myself

There is a better thing to do, dare to challenge yourself to change, to adapt. Face life head on.

Easier said than done.

My first instinct, I defended myself because I knew my reasons, my life and they didn’t. But then that is never a good enough reason to actually better myself in people’s eyes, that is what they saw I should do and not be a clown. I didn’t see that at first, I felt attacked, I felt people were judging me but actually not knowing me. Then I took a look from a different perspective. Staying positive is tough job.

To be very honest I’m not yet convinced that I should change the way I am according to what people think how I should be. I have my own thoughts, my reasons, my comfort. But I always could find a way to not be a clown but another way to keep myself from going insane. I hate it when I’m comfortable and life just gets turned upside down. That is why I don’t want to let people get close to me, because their opinions start to matter, to affect me. I am conflicted by their thoughts and my, my comfort and their perception of who I am. I am starting to loose sense now, on last thought,

Life is a series of challenges; family, love, work, who you are, what you want for yourself and the list goes on. You learn, survive, adapt, take up challenges and learn to live with all of these shits life throws at you.

Thing about Love

I let myself fall for you and I let you fall for me.  Now that you are not around I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this feeling. How am I supposed to deal with this? I hate this feeling, this desperation for your touch, this feeling to want to hold you so bad. I’m trying to find ways to not feel this feeling, to not be desperate for you, to not depend on you to make me feel good about myself and this life. I was this person who wanted to avoid all of this dependency and yet here I am longing for you. I know this time you won’t come like the last time you did, I wonder if you even remember that? I do. May be that was the time I fell for you hard, may you shouldn’t have come back then, but you did.

I was never the one to believe in this thing called love but now that I’ve felt it, I believe in love and call myself lucky. I used to wondered what love is and what all the fuss is about. I wasn’t able to describe love then because I hadn’t felt it. I didn’t know love. Now that I have been in love (may be I still am), I still can’t put it into words. I don’t know why but I am going to try to find words. I don’t like to depend on others for anything let alone depend on one person to make me feel good about everything but love is that thing that makes you depend on this person. And this level of dependency just increases and that is love. Love depends on you growing into one another and you love every second of this new found togetherness. You find this world of we, where you are a better you and you feel better about life and makes you feel like you can do anything, go through anything and everything. That’s the power in we, that’s the power you feel being in love. Love makes you strong. But when things go wrong and they do every now and again to test your love. It is not something that is easy to deal with. And now I understand what I didn’t then.

Love is a strong thing; a powerful feeling that could takes you to the moon and back. But it’s not perfect, just like us; it’s fragile and needs to be cared for. Imagine love to be this beautiful heart made out of glass, it reflects the best you and a beautiful life. When you fail to look after your the heart, the glass cracks. When there are enough cracks, pieces of it fall out and these pieces don’t just disappear, they fall into you, they cut you deep and with you it shall forever remain within. The scar of love is deep and like no other. They take you back to the memories of us, of the world you found in love, in togetherness with that one person, that beautiful world. You miss being there, that powerful togetherness which overshadows all the pain. You miss the person, the strength you felt. You miss the entirety of love.

There is no going back after you have felt this thing called love. Love is complicated. It is not just one feeling, it is many feelings which can’t be described. It’s not about I or you, it’s about we and the world you see from there together. And it’s beautiful.

Lost your way

You think you know yourself; you think you know what is right and what is wrong, then you go on do things that fucks you up. You thought you knew yourself; you thought you stood for something, then you realize you are just another fucked up person running after things you “think” you want and in the process ruin things you have. Precious precious things. And the worst part is you constantly try to justify what you did, blaming life and circumstances. Man up! Own up to your mistakes. Hold on to the little bit of who you thought you were and may be find your way back; if that is possible!

Four years later

Am I getting depressed? I hope not.

Am I sad? There are few things that is keeping me afloat but now I want to just let go of everything and just drown in this ice cold river of life. May be that will bring me back to sense. May this little bit of hope I keep alive needs to die out for me to able to really get my life on tract. I can’t live like this.

Why me, asked my friend who is very unlucky when it comes to love. He breaks down every time his love leaves him, they move on and he gets depressed. And I tell him to move on, tell him things that might solve his problem. Now here I am asking myself, why me?

Why am I never lucky! Not even a tiny bit. I feel like a screw up and I wonder what else am I going to screw up, work? Love? The very little I have going right and that feeling scares me. May I just should let it all go.

These people are so lucky, they try so little and they get by with flying colors of the whole fucking rainbow. I’m jealous and I accept that, I see no shame in that. For me I try I try even when I feel like giving up and I never feel like I have given enough. May be I haven’t and I wonder if this is all I have it in me to give.

I started this blog four years back and here I am still with those feeling that I started this blog to let out.

Still a failure. Still trying hard to change that.

Confession of a fool

I need a breather.
As i look back, all i see are the wrong things that has happened, all the complains and all i see myself do is whine about everything that went wrong, every-time i was this close; i would hold up two finger to compare the closeness and now i’m tired of it all, so i need a breather.

Life can’t only be about all of these, of failure, of injustice, of sad, bad and the gloomy stuffs; there has got to be good things out there, life has have success and happiness, things that are worth remembering till the last breath is drawn. But i look at myself and i wonder why am i not being able to focus on the positives, why not be happy about the little success i’ve had till now, about the times like when i was so happy i passed a subject on my second attempt; see there lies in my problem not being able to focus on the good sides to life, not trusting myself enough, not working hard enough, chickening out in the last minute, not taking the initiative to do anything that i want to do is what make me hate myself, the funny thing is i know that.
So here i let it all go, my frustration, complains with life and myself and start a new, start fresh; the question is will actually be able to do it?
There is so much to learn, to learn to be positive, try and not let failure consume you, to live and smile a smile that means something, a smile that has a reason behind it because i might have forgotten to smile the real smile. I need to keep my head quite and just listen to the rain sometime, to the sound of the rain drops meeting the ground, its sounds so subtle, its like a symphony, a harmony of nature; there is a magic to it which calms you down and consumes you, i wanna that kinds magic in me, that to consume me. That would be so much better than being a fool who says things for the sake of it and does things for the sake of it. That is who i’ve become a fool, but i can’t stay a fool forever.

But this is not where it ends, it just but a another beginning, a beginning of change, not of knowing, i’ve always known, but of starting to act on changing myself, live for better times, good times and not just say it, not just stay a fool but change. I am a fool who needs to, wants to change and so the journey begins.