I used to be an introvert, bottled up everything, processed everything before I spoke and tried to always speak the right thing which I still try to do just not that hard. Then I thought may be I became an extrovert but then I discovered ambivert, which I think I am but then these are just words, labels and I’ve always hated labels yet always tried to label myself. To repeat myself again, I’m fucked up.
Am I full of shit? Probably yes, I think so. Am I insane? I’m getting there. But I don’t want to. You would think why one earth someone in their twenties would go insane? I almost did when I felt all of the emotions and the thoughts up in your head got crowded more than I could handle, my brain in my twenties could handle. I was crying one moment and laughing the other, my sanity leaving me. When that happened the way I was changed, I said things, didn’t give much thought to what people might say; basically acted before I processed my thoughts and I felt free and okay about myself, sometimes good about myself. I learnt, I adapted to keep myself sane or you could say stopped myself from going insane or loose myself in the heat of a moment. But then I became I acted in ways that people would not call ‘ideal’, a clown in others’ eyes. I know that. I have always known. Usually I don’t give a fuck about what people thought of me, I just didn’t care enough. Then come people you put you on the spotlight and give you a reality check.
I live in a world where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t care, that people don’t care but the reality is that there are people who care, and I should give that a thought or two. In my case it comes as long trains of thoughts of whats, whys and hows.
And I need to process them before I go mad. But processing my thoughts is not the first thing that comes to my mind that I want to do. I want to crawl under a rock and just stay there. And I remind myself
There is a better thing to do, dare to challenge yourself to change, to adapt. Face life head on.
Easier said than done.
My first instinct, I defended myself because I knew my reasons, my life and they didn’t. But then that is never a good enough reason to actually better myself in people’s eyes, that is what they saw I should do and not be a clown. I didn’t see that at first, I felt attacked, I felt people were judging me but actually not knowing me. Then I took a look from a different perspective. Staying positive is tough job.
To be very honest I’m not yet convinced that I should change the way I am according to what people think how I should be. I have my own thoughts, my reasons, my comfort. But I always could find a way to not be a clown but another way to keep myself from going insane. I hate it when I’m comfortable and life just gets turned upside down. That is why I don’t want to let people get close to me, because their opinions start to matter, to affect me. I am conflicted by their thoughts and my, my comfort and their perception of who I am. I am starting to loose sense now, on last thought,
Life is a series of challenges; family, love, work, who you are, what you want for yourself and the list goes on. You learn, survive, adapt, take up challenges and learn to live with all of these shits life throws at you.