I’m finally actually doing it, learning to be on my own becoming my own onemanarmy. It’s pretty simple when the people you expect to be there for you are not there for you, people for whom you do what you do for them don’t appreciate your work but I guess it’s my fault for expecting. So my mantra from now on is to not do more than I need to for anybody except those very few ones ofcourse.
I’m tired to feeling this feeling, this feeling I cannot exactly put into words but I just feel my heart ache. I might sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not, there are just times when the tears just flow and this bloody heart aches. I dunno if I’m imagining that pain that ache or if it’s actually happening, but the fact remains I feel it. These days I’m not sure of anything that’s happening around me, dunno how I should feel or what I should do about it. So I see myself shutting down to the world. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I find comfort here, comfort in this loneliness, in this solitude. At hard times I tell myself I’m okay, that everything is going to be okay. And I pretend to be okay, smile, laugh but I dunno if this pretending has made me into this another person or if this is me I wonder.
All I want to feel is happiness, a bit appreciated for my efforts for it to last long enough to hold on to that feeling, long enough to remember it so that when times gets hard I could just use that feeling to get by. I know nothing lasts for ever, so it would be very unrealistic of me to expect for anything to last or people to stay. That is one of the reasons I don’t want a relationship because I don’t think I’m ready to face being disappointment in another aspect of life. I don’t think I’d be able to take it more than I already have. I tell myself ‘my plate is full’ everytime a prospect comes along. I know I’m doing nothing but just pretending but the fact remains I’m nothing but a looser in life. I know I shouldn’t tell myself that and I’m trying very hard not to believe that but things happen and I’m left feeling like one big-time looser. So at any point of time when it feels like or I foresee a source of that feeling around me, I run the opposite way as fast as I can. I know running is a manly thing to do and if anyone asks I would have totally refused I would do that. But now I dun care what my actions make of me anymore or what people think of me. It’s me, my actions, my life so why the fuck should the world care! Why should I care that they think! But I wish it were that simple.
If I keep on going in this path, where will I end up? Who will I have become? And what would become of my life? I know I will be alone, become a failure and would have accomplished nothing in my life; so to basically put it I’d screw up my life. Now the main question comes in, am I strong enough to change my path now? I need to find myself, set my priorities, and live accordingly and accept things that come along and live with it. In the end this is my life and it’s my decision on how I decide to live it but one thing I know is I gotta do what fell on my shoulder before I even think of giving up. Take care of things and be free and when that happens I won’t bother to look back and just enjoy every day as it comes. That’s for the latter times but for now I gotta survive and do what needs to be done to get a life worth something and be someone I would be able to meet eyes with when I look into the mirror.