This is my last letter to you, my dear dear lover boy. It would be nice if I could tell you all this in person but I am a coward and you know that.
Yesterday should have been avoided but I guess we are too late for that. I thought I was okay but I am not. How do I tell you I had to walk away because I could not watch you hurt and just settle for a witness. I was being selfish. But after a year here we are and you are not over anything you were going through. You are still hurting, you are broken and all I did was break your broken heart. All I did was make things worse for you. I made it worse for you. I was not able to save you but I didn’t know I had just helped to make things worse for you. I wish my apologies could save you, take away your pain. I wish I could turn back time and change everything. I wish I could go back and tried harder to help you. Tried harder to stay with you. I am but a mere mortal and incapable of turning back time.
Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. And I deserve nothing less.
I am going to try to slowly move out now. Since I can’t help you, because I will only remind you of all that you have lost. What hurts me is knowing that may be you were never in love with me. May be I never stopped being a distraction from your far-away lover. You still love him. May be you loved us both but I am nothing before your first love.
I never wanted love. I didn’t want what I thought we had. I don’t remember what we had, all we went thought in detail like you did. I had to save myself. All those memories, you did was to remind me to smile but I am not sure if I will be able to after yesterday.
You are my first like he is yours. So you shall remain in my heart. I wish I had a stronger heart. I wish we had never met.
All said and done, I am a mere human with the only choice to live with, to learn to smile thinking of the days that went by. To not repeat the mistakes I made with you with somebody else.
I hope you find your peace. You have been broken for too long.
Three years since we met, more than a year since we went our separate ways. And still this heart wonders where you are, what you are doing, how you are doing. I lied to you the time we talked. I haven’t let you go. I have been trying to let you go. I am. I just haven’t been able to let you go. I don’t know if i want to, i dun think i want to because i feel guilty for tying to let you go. I feel sad for myself but i don’t want to break your heart again, instead i have been breaking other hearts. I don’t know. I am getting feed up with myself.
I wish we were together. I wish we were happy together. But now all i can wish for is that we find hapiness.
I never thought love would do this to me. But it has. Like i didn’t have enough of heartaches. Life is hard, god is cruel and i shall breathe again.
Dear love, or should I say acquaintance? I don’t know and that is what you say we are to one another. There are a lot of things I don’t know and sometimes when I hear things from people and I spend time thinking if it is the truth about me. And you called me weak and I believe you. But the question that has been bothering me is if I should let myself believe that or if I should be in a “relationship” (or whatever you prefer to call whatever this is we have) with a person who thinks and calls me weak. I understand that I have not been able to give you all you have asked of me but I have always tried which doesn’t matter I guess, what matters in the end is if I was there when you asked me to be there and I wasn’t there. I did tell you I was sorry and explained the circumstances I was in but that you don’t seem to understand, I know you are trying to but you just don’t understand.
Dear you, you have given me a lot of things in every short moments we have spent together. I feel like I have know you forever but you say I don’t know you, I guess we all have our different way of looking at life and understanding life and everything else.
You are the closest thing I have ever felt to being in a relationship and being loved by a stranger. You are full of conflicts and I have mine and knowing that has always made me feel like I can relate to you and understand you. This thing we have is a complicated thing I don’t know whether I want to have this or not. I don’t know where we are headed and I am a person who likes to know these things but I’m okay with this but one thing I take from you and keep it with me is something you said, “conflicts are what keeps life interesting” and your laugh after that.