Death is definite

I am only human.

I have said it before and I will repeat it again and again, for it is a fact. It is neither good nor bad. It is just how it is.

Human are instruments of both good and bad. What a human does is up to him, his choices – good or bad. He is responsible for his actions, whether he did it consciously or unknowingly. It is his responsibility. He can’t fight it. He has to accept it. He has to own it. How he does it is up to him.

I deal with the good and the bad by telling myself, I am only human. I accept my actions. I accept the mistakes I made, I apologize. I will try not to repeat the mistake again but the fact remains what is done is done and cannot be undone. That is another fact,

We can’t undo what is already done. Unless you can control time. I can’t. I am a mere human

I have been on earth for 26 years now, most of which I have spent as a child. Now even my childish ways haven’t left me and I don’t think it ever will. As long as I acknowledge my mistakes, learn to not repeat them and actually learn from them, I will be fine.I have to be. I want to live, experience everything as they come along, deal with it all and survive. For I will die and I want to die with a smile. I know I am not perfect, I don’t think anybody is.

I am my own perfect self and I will never fit into anybody definition of perfection.

My days are numbered and in these days I want to live, do what I need to and let the days pass. I do not want an extra-ordinary life. Just a simple, plain life. I just want to live.

Dark Life

Your tears will wash away the pretend,
Naked for all to see;
Your heart blank and blood blue,
Body cold, left to decay
Scavengers won’t touch you
Earth won’t take you in
You will be lost in the standstill,
Where even darkness dies
But you will breathe, live
As you are not at your end
You are at another beginning
Another cycle of Pain,
of Sorrow,
of Loneliness,
of Death
and Yet you will live.

 

In a shell

Be it in life or death, I am alone and I know it, it’s one of those things you just know. And I weigh them both, in life there is everything, in death there is nothing and a question keeps nagging me ‘why choose life? Why choose everything when you can be at peace when there is nothing.’
Yet here I am breathing and living a life I despise in the name of responsibility that fell on my shoulder the day I was born or was it the day he died I’m not sure.
Yet here I am breathing and living being useless, being a failure, being a mistake. It like the strength have left me and little bit I have are being used to keep myself together because if dun do that I will be nothing.
Being nothing and having nothing are two different things; death takes away everything therefore you have nothing ,where as life is making me a nothing, all I have is a longing to be something.

Empty, hollow, cracked shell
taped together with everything left within
strength, hope, willpower
dreams to be filled with life and love
but knows that is impossible
coz there is nothing left here to love
may be new paint job?
even then who’d love a lifeless soul
left with anger, sadness and frustration
alone.

Not Today

If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.

I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.

So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.

 

wondering about insignificance

There are whole other kinds of pains that I not know of; when I read about abuses done to them by the people they love, I wonder of the pain they feel. I ask myself in all of these kinds of pain does my pain become insignificant? I’ve seen pain in the eyes of people when they lose their loved ones to time or death, last goodbyes that were left unsaid, I wonder what kind of pain that leaves behind in people. I wonder if that kind of pain can even be compared to the pain I got in my head.
My pain is of loneliness, of feeling worthless, of not being good enough for the people around me, my pain is in my head, it a disease I’m afraid to acknowledge or accept out in the open. Accepting that out in the open doesn’t do any good either because looked upon by the world as a “damsel in distress”, which is not something I would want in on my book. So I put on my iron mask and tell myself that I’m a one man army who needs to fight my own fights and just get this life done. Sometimes when I hear myself talk like this life is a work that needs to get done and that is exactly what it has started to feel like because of my inability to see the bigger picture in life; I wonder if that is going to change and become something more. I wonder if I’ll ever become significant to people starting with my family. When I think of things I want out of life that is one thing that strikes the cord with me, BEING SIGNIFICANT. That’s the one thing I’m sure of that I need to make out of myself and my life, to take care of people I need to take care and rest take it as it comes. I guess I have given myself a motto in life, I wonder even if it can be called that, a motto.
May be someday I’m going to wake of and realize that I’ve become more than what I thought I would or could have become. May be I’ll become significant in ways I think is possible for me, insignificant cry baby who puts on an iron mask of a man.

Death Note

 I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I’ve always wanted things I haven’t been able to have, be it my hopeless aim, dream I couldn’t live, love I could never have; I’ve just lost quite a bit, not a lot, I have lived for only twenty years now, I couldn’t possibly have lost a lot now would I? I don’t even know how many would be considered a lot. I know I just wanted things I thought I could have when I didn’t know where my limits were; i didn’t even know there were limits. It’s like it says in the song ‘I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?’; I had completely undermined things, I’d taken myself to be a prince and thought everything would be served to me on a silver platter, man was I wrong! The reality hit me, it hit me hard and I haven’t been able to get up. Sure I’m crawling and I’ve been trying to get up, putting up that fake smile for the people in my world to see. I look at myself in the morning, washing my face, I smile to see if it’s believable. I don’t want to be taken as a weakling, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but that all I’ve been, a burden. I want to be strong enough to pick myself up and walk again but at times I want somebody to hold on to, somebody to pick me up, to tell me “you’ll be fine” coz I’m definitely tired of hearing myself say that. I am tired of being alone but I not sure who I’d want there beside me or even who would want to be there and I laugh and I wonder if I’m mentally stable, with a smirk on my face.

There have been times where I’ve put a knife close to heart just a bit of courage away from plunging it in and just getting away from everything forever is very seductive. Then I’d think it would be too messy for my mothers (one mother and two sisters) to witness, and I’d end up laughing with eyes filled with tears. I’d remind myself that I’m not a coward to end my life this soon or this way. I’d remind myself that I’d die after I prove myself that I’m not as weak as I think I am or I’d just find something to give me that one ray of hope to get up and put that knife away. I could think of less messy ways to kill myself, I do watch a lot of movies and I do have a bit of brain, gives me lots of ideas. I can even think clearly what exactly I’d want say to each and every person who have made impact on my life for my last goodbye. It could be a thank you for friends for asking me “wass up?” or “r u okay?” (and I’d always be lying, saying “I’m okay” ) or for talking to me and making me forget everything and just reminding me I’m not the only one in the shits of life and that I need to be strong. Or threatening my brother in laws to take care of my sisters and that I’ll be watching and haunt them if they hurt my sisters (and that would be the most brotherly thing I would have ever done for them) or saying “sorry I’m not strong enough but know that I love u all” (and it would be the first time I’d ever tell them that and sadly the last).

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, for everything and for being the person I am. Its like doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. It’s either at the wrong moment, wrong way of how and when I do things; I’m not a good enough son, not a good enough brother, not a good enough friend, not man enough, for me everything seems to end with ‘not enough’. I know the easiest thing to do would be to just give up and just fade away into the air, earth, where ever I’m supposed to fade away into. But I wanna right the wrong, prove myself and then peacefully fade away, may be that’s why I’m holding on to this string of hope which seems to be strong for me to be able to live to write this and send it into the space (that’s this blog).

I live another day in the hope that in this life time I would be able to do what I’m supposed to and that I’d find my way out of this maze I’m in and hopefully smile for real and some day be the one whom my people can lean on; then I’d have lived and not just have breathed all the way through my life.