The minutes before I hear the thunder

 

It does not matter how much u prepare yourself for some things, its just not enough, you’re just never prepared enough.

 

I can feel my stomach churn in anticipation. I know what is going to happen. I know the exact words I’m gonna hear yet I just not ready to hear them. I know how things are going to fall down for everybody to see. I know every detail, every sequence of the whole process. Coz I’ve been there before. But still I want to push is a bit away; even if its just few minutes, coz I know as soon as it happens; something is going to start to eat me from inside. It’s like when there is lightening first comes the light then the loud thunder. I’ve already seen the light now I’m about to hear that thunder, that sound of me falling all over again, flat on my ass for everyone to see. Sure I can put on that strong, “like nothing happened” face, “like I dun care” face for the world to see but I know how much I’m gonna be disappointed in myself. I’ll be telling myself now I’ve gotta try harder and the whole process of rebuilding what fell starts all over again.

 

The hardest part of all of this is not knowing if I’m gonna get tired of picking myself up and rather do the easier thing, just give up, coz I know this is not the last of me falling; a feeling tells me there are going to bigger falls in life than passing a semester. And I’m usually right n I hate that.

 

being a dissapointment

there i was doing my report for my workshop exam tomorrow, the band perry’s if i die young was playing i was humming along and my head got thinking if i never woke up after i went to sleep today what would i be remembered for??

looking back at times as far as i can remember
what i hav is nothing..nothing to be remebered for..what hav i been besides a dissapointment to my friends, my family and most of all to the man in the mirror in whose eyes all i see is that emptiness. that desire to live, to be free, to stand on his own two feet and all i have been telling him is to wait. i tell him have patience and all the while i lay on my bed just contemplating on the things i’ve given up, the people i have lost in time, my failure to be a good friend to the ones i have, and i dont even wanna get started on the family. some other time may be.

i wonder if this i what i will stay like this forever or will i ever grow into something..something i could be proud of and stop pretending and that fake smile to be replaced my the real thing. i ask if its because im alone and the real thing still remains a mystery to me.

i was talking to a friend yesterday, he told me ‘life is a like a one nightstand stranger u dont want to reveal’.. may be just may be  i know exactly what life is for me i just dont want to except it.. rather fight the part of me that wants to except the facts….the fact of life that fact of me. and the battle thats dont seem to end in me is whats wearing me out! mess a big mess…a demon to be tamed aint a easy thing to do!!