Why am I running after ghosts? People I wish were with me. Feelings I wish existed. Realities I dream of. Why am I causing my own unhappiness and expecting others to take care of it! Why am I expecting so much from outside when I know this is something that needs to be addressed from inside. Why I chasing after what is not there? Why?
My desperation for love, friendship has cost me my self-worth, my energy and filled me with negativity. These people are adults, they have lives they are focused on I cannot be a nuisance for them to deal with but be the support for them when they need me. For now, I need to focus on myself and it makes me feel lonely to deal with this alone but I have to do this on my own. Stand up again on my own, gather strength to be everything I need to be, the best version of me.
No more excuses. No more hiding behind excuses. No more complaining. No more expecting. No more trying to force anything on anyone. No more putting others first. No more losing myself in this maze of life. It is time to rise now.
It is time for the ghosts to the dissappear. If they are to materialize welcome with open arms. That is it!
Today I’m on a mission to post something, anything; I’m going to write till i have nothing more to write and click the publish button.
Disappointment is a product of expectation, i know this and have known this for quite sometime now and life keeps reminding me, so there is no way am i ever going to forget this fact. And because of that disappointment has sort of lost its effect on me like it used to, you see when you go through the same thing again and again you just learn to deal with it, it would be wrong to say it has no effect at all, it does you just learn to deal with it, i’ve learnt to just move on and not focus on that i guess. Life is all about adapting and surviving and exploring too.
Right now I’m at a point in life where i’m at peace, i guess i’m come to terms with some aspects of my life so there is lot less disturbing thoughts going up in my head and as a result i’m writing less as well but i miss writing. Or it might be because i’ve just kept myself too busy to just sit, think, relax and write about everything and anything in a shady way that i do, so most of the time even i forget what i was writing about. A friend told me i write like i’m not telling everything and so he asks what am i hiding, but the truth be told i dunno what i’m hiding, i guess my head has hidden it pretty well that it gets me asking myself what am i hiding?
There is a storm brewing in this head of mine, i have peace now but i want more, i want happiness. Nothing is wrong with that, i am just another human aren’t i? There was a time when i told myself i can just living this life with just peace (and i can) but there is this curiosity of what i’d be missing out on. I wonder what is happiness like, if i can find it or bump into it; since i have peace which i thought was unattainable some time back, the hope for happiness has definitely gone up. But there is a part of me that is telling me to keep what i got and cherish it for it might not be with me tomorrow and not think of going into this search for happiness, for me searching has never really worked. All good things for me kind of have been an accident of sort. So the conclusion would be patience i guess, to live in now and enjoy every moment of it and leave tomorrow to become today and face it then.
they tell you what they want out of you, they tell you who they want you to become but they always ask for more than you can give them as they want everything from you but here lies the sad humiliating part, even when you give your everything you never seem to match with the everything they want out of you.
i snaped at her today. i knew this was going to happen long before, i feel humiliated every moment the reality crashes to this dream i run into to keep myself under control, to keep myself sane. i want to match up to their version of everything but i don’t seem to be able to. did they expect too much out of me? or am i trying not hard enough? i’m putting all the energy i have but that ain’t enough and i don’t seem to able to find another source of energy. i’m actually running out of energy, dunno on my capability anymore. as i stand it feels like i only do that to fall back into the ground. when i lie on the ground these days i don’t feel that bad, the cold, hard ground is somewhat becoming comfortable. and that scares the shit out of me, i’m scared of everything, life itself.
i was pushed around, my fault was i didn’t make a stand, go with the flow i told myself and this is where that has gotten me into. i am allowed once in a while to let it out, aren’t i? but today i make a promise to my self this day that that will be the last time i was pushed around. its my life i have to make my decisions and my choices, i will do what i need to do, do my duties that fell on my head the day i was born but no more and i will do that my way and not anybody else’s way. i don’t live to please anybody nor will i run from my life. i will fight my wars, i will win the war even if I’ve lost most of the battles.