Funny how I used to try so hard to not feel pain, and now that very feeling, pain makes me feel alive. Like this world is real, I am alive and I am living because I can feel pain. It hurts and I feel it. Feeling it gives me the sense of being alive. It is sad, of all the things, pain! I curse at myself but it is what it is and I accept that. I hope someday this pain will be replaced by peace or happiness or something else.
I had heard them describe their feeling with the word, Melancholy. To me, it was a fancy word back then, probably because I did not understand the word but I had looked up the meaning of the word then and forever imprinted in my head. I forget the meaning of the word every now and then but life reminds me.
Who knew I would use to word to use how I was feeling, but the current state of my emotion is best described as Melancholy. All of a sudden I get engulfed in sadness. A few minutes back I was laughing with my friends and then Poof! went away my joy replaced by the sadness, and the reason I see none. Nothing has happened to me, life is as is or even better. I’m happy, joyful most of the time. I have good friends. Life is better than I thought it would be but there I am sad.
Is it a person? an event? a moment? a thought? What is the trigger of this feeling?
I’m shutting myself down.
Need a break!
Going in autopilot.
These tears won’t fall
If only they did.
You are my dying dream
You give me sleepless nights
You have troubled my heart
You have put me though hopeless times
But you have given me love
You have made me smile
You have given me a taste of happiness
And this is enough
That was enough
I’m finally actually doing it, learning to be on my own becoming my own onemanarmy. It’s pretty simple when the people you expect to be there for you are not there for you, people for whom you do what you do for them don’t appreciate your work but I guess it’s my fault for expecting. So my mantra from now on is to not do more than I need to for anybody except those very few ones ofcourse.
I’m tired to feeling this feeling, this feeling I cannot exactly put into words but I just feel my heart ache. I might sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m not, there are just times when the tears just flow and this bloody heart aches. I dunno if I’m imagining that pain that ache or if it’s actually happening, but the fact remains I feel it. These days I’m not sure of anything that’s happening around me, dunno how I should feel or what I should do about it. So I see myself shutting down to the world. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I find comfort here, comfort in this loneliness, in this solitude. At hard times I tell myself I’m okay, that everything is going to be okay. And I pretend to be okay, smile, laugh but I dunno if this pretending has made me into this another person or if this is me I wonder.
All I want to feel is happiness, a bit appreciated for my efforts for it to last long enough to hold on to that feeling, long enough to remember it so that when times gets hard I could just use that feeling to get by. I know nothing lasts for ever, so it would be very unrealistic of me to expect for anything to last or people to stay. That is one of the reasons I don’t want a relationship because I don’t think I’m ready to face being disappointment in another aspect of life. I don’t think I’d be able to take it more than I already have. I tell myself ‘my plate is full’ everytime a prospect comes along. I know I’m doing nothing but just pretending but the fact remains I’m nothing but a looser in life. I know I shouldn’t tell myself that and I’m trying very hard not to believe that but things happen and I’m left feeling like one big-time looser. So at any point of time when it feels like or I foresee a source of that feeling around me, I run the opposite way as fast as I can. I know running is a manly thing to do and if anyone asks I would have totally refused I would do that. But now I dun care what my actions make of me anymore or what people think of me. It’s me, my actions, my life so why the fuck should the world care! Why should I care that they think! But I wish it were that simple.
If I keep on going in this path, where will I end up? Who will I have become? And what would become of my life? I know I will be alone, become a failure and would have accomplished nothing in my life; so to basically put it I’d screw up my life. Now the main question comes in, am I strong enough to change my path now? I need to find myself, set my priorities, and live accordingly and accept things that come along and live with it. In the end this is my life and it’s my decision on how I decide to live it but one thing I know is I gotta do what fell on my shoulder before I even think of giving up. Take care of things and be free and when that happens I won’t bother to look back and just enjoy every day as it comes. That’s for the latter times but for now I gotta survive and do what needs to be done to get a life worth something and be someone I would be able to meet eyes with when I look into the mirror.
They say if you want to start something new you got to do it on a clean slate and I think its time I do that.
I’ve been living with the past haunting me in my head. I’m probably just imagining that but these thought are not easy to let go. It’s this feeling of being unable to have what I want; this feeling you get when see what u want to become part of your life but then u realize you wont able to have that, that feeling of being a rejection is sure not easy to deal with. It leaves you feeling unwanted, disgusted with yourself and eventually hate yourself. I’d lying if I said I’m over that but I’m trying to and try harder not to let that happen again. These psychological barriers I have up in my head makes me ask a lot of questions to myself, questions that I can’t avoid and the answers to that usually stops me from living a life I want to, be me. that’s how things have been for me and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one but that doesn’t mean its good it’s just that I need not let this psychological thing stop me live and do what I want to. Sometimes asking questions don’t help because looking for answers might just make you forget about just going out there and miss out on the adventures, experiences that might just make you a better you. So if you are reading this and can relate, even if you don’t go LIVE; If u already are GOOD!
I did okay today and I feel nothing, not sad i screwed up few(may be more than few) problems, not happy that I’m going to pass, just nothing. Is this how its going to be? This sorta scares me. May be its because I actually tried today, that there is still hope left. Or is it because my head is aching? I wish I could get some answers but that ain’t gonna happen. So I’m just going to dwell in this feeling tonight, this feeling of nothingness, it’s good to feel a different feel for a change. It’s way much better than feel like a looser all the time anyway. That’s probably why i just didn’t stop walking to talk to people and take that chance of feeling miserable again, I just wanted to keep this nothingness to being miserable.