I rather live with failures than with regrets
It is easy to just do nothing. Not try to be happy, not try to find love, not try to build myself and my mother a comfortable future and the list goes on. It is easy to blame everything, life, circustances but it is tough to accept them and try harder, be it against these immovable forces. The question i ask myself is prettly simple yet tough. Do i want to live knowing i tried or do i want to live knowing i gave up? I won’t give up on myself on life or anything i am strong and i will fight survive my way through all of this and hopefully find my nirvana. And hopefully i won’t be alone.
I am a man bent by circumstances, life and nature. Sometimes i fight them. Sometimes i move along.
I smile. I am sarcastic. I am loud. I argue with people. I laugh. I think I am putting on a show for the world so they don’t see through my eyes and see the sadness.
I am hurting. There are days when i’m sad and tears just roll down. Times I am forced to hold them back, for I don’t want the world to see me break down.
I am consumed by sadness among many other feelings which is making me loose a bit of me slowly.
I am dying inside.
There are days when I can feel my heart ache. I thought it was just psychological until I read an article the other day, about how the emotions are just not psychological but physical as well. Could it be physical as well? What is going on with me? Am I going under? Is this depression? Is there a possibility that this might kill me?
I don’t want to die just yet! I am not done fighting for myself, my life!
If I had cared for what people thought of me, talked about me in front of me or behind my back I would have never survived high school, that is a fact I know but I did survive and doesn’t matter what they throw at me I know I will survive and I will fight, therefore I’m a survivor and a ‘onemanarmy’.
I dun remember what age I was but I used to wonder if eating body lotion would kill me, come to of think of it, that’s very disturbing. But this subject of killing myself has always been in my head for a long time, not that I’m proud of that thought or anything but it feels like I’ve always been looking for a reason to look forward in life, to just live. It feels like, a line I quote from the series game of thrones “death is a god to whom you say, not today”. That is what I’ve been doing for a long time, trying my very best to keep that thought away but now that I’ve found myself a reason to live a little it is easier to keep the thought of death away.
So this is what I’ve learnt, if you find it hard to breathe, to live find yourself a reason, a reason you cannot run from, may be you can look at it like a leash what binds you with life and hope with the days passing you find more reasons to live. Live free, live hard and breathe some life into your life and yourself; and keep saying not today to death, because you are yet to live, live till you can greet death like an friend but till that day push the thought of death far far away from your head, from your life.
The feel of knowing that this is all you have yet being unable to do what you need to do is the worst thing to feel. But you have no choice but to stay strong and endure this fucked up feeling and fight with hope of just making it through. And that is enough to keep you going, no point in asking for more.
I was talking to one of my good friends after long time, he asked me “what is bothering you?”. I’ve been thinking about what i told him, I gave him a very vague answer; I told him “life is”. I said future scares me, what it’ll be like with the present being how it is; these are all true. And now I’ve asking myself the same question and the answer i hear is ME.
I tend to look at the people around me and compare myself to them, i know its not healthy but its an automatic thing i do. They are what defines NORMAL, me, I’m far from what they are, how they are, I’m far from being a Normal guy. I’d give anything to be like them, become one of them but the fact remains I’m not. I could pretend, its a choice I’m not going to take. I’ve grown up from what i used to be like, I’ve become acceptable in this society so much so that they can’t spot the difference but I know how it actually is. Its like i could be standing in the crowd but I’m always going to find myself ALONE. Sure i try to be tough about it, tell others and myself I’ve become comfortable in my solitude but its like my friend told me, I’ve just learnt to fool my heart. I call myself ONEMANARMY but forever being alone scares me. It scares me that I’ll loose my chance to be happy, be contend with life and truly LIVE. That I don’t have right now and not being able to have in the future is what I’m afraid of.
My friend tells me I’m ruining my present thinking about the future and he’s right, i know that. I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to put these thoughts behind me and focus on the PRESENT. I’ll have to do this for my sanity as there is a lot on the line that i cannot afford to loose. I’ve known this for a long time and yet here i am reminding myself. Past has gone, future yet remains unknown; at best i can only guess but i got this present and that’s all i got.
I’ll keep going, keep fighting myself, the world, my life; in the end I’ll make my life how i want it to be or die trying. Never give up, Never stop trying, that’s how i intend to live my life doesn’t matter what happens I’ll always come out of my weakest points of life and stand strong. And there is no other option to that.