Arms wide open

So you have been avoiding me. I understand. I might have done something but i think you have overthought things and it’s okay. You need your space to deal with everything i guess. I opened my heart to you and you have chosen silence. Guess I now know what you have thought of me all along. It hurts. But it’s okay I can take it. Because I am strong. Because I still care for you and till you are ready to return, when you do, my arms are wide open for you.

I will survive this. I will not entertain these negative thought in my head. I will be positive. I will let go. I will live on. I will smile and laugh.

Death Note

 I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I’m not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up, what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I’ve always wanted things I haven’t been able to have, be it my hopeless aim, dream I couldn’t live, love I could never have; I’ve just lost quite a bit, not a lot, I have lived for only twenty years now, I couldn’t possibly have lost a lot now would I? I don’t even know how many would be considered a lot. I know I just wanted things I thought I could have when I didn’t know where my limits were; i didn’t even know there were limits. It’s like it says in the song ‘I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?’; I had completely undermined things, I’d taken myself to be a prince and thought everything would be served to me on a silver platter, man was I wrong! The reality hit me, it hit me hard and I haven’t been able to get up. Sure I’m crawling and I’ve been trying to get up, putting up that fake smile for the people in my world to see. I look at myself in the morning, washing my face, I smile to see if it’s believable. I don’t want to be taken as a weakling, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but that all I’ve been, a burden. I want to be strong enough to pick myself up and walk again but at times I want somebody to hold on to, somebody to pick me up, to tell me “you’ll be fine” coz I’m definitely tired of hearing myself say that. I am tired of being alone but I not sure who I’d want there beside me or even who would want to be there and I laugh and I wonder if I’m mentally stable, with a smirk on my face.

There have been times where I’ve put a knife close to heart just a bit of courage away from plunging it in and just getting away from everything forever is very seductive. Then I’d think it would be too messy for my mothers (one mother and two sisters) to witness, and I’d end up laughing with eyes filled with tears. I’d remind myself that I’m not a coward to end my life this soon or this way. I’d remind myself that I’d die after I prove myself that I’m not as weak as I think I am or I’d just find something to give me that one ray of hope to get up and put that knife away. I could think of less messy ways to kill myself, I do watch a lot of movies and I do have a bit of brain, gives me lots of ideas. I can even think clearly what exactly I’d want say to each and every person who have made impact on my life for my last goodbye. It could be a thank you for friends for asking me “wass up?” or “r u okay?” (and I’d always be lying, saying “I’m okay” ) or for talking to me and making me forget everything and just reminding me I’m not the only one in the shits of life and that I need to be strong. Or threatening my brother in laws to take care of my sisters and that I’ll be watching and haunt them if they hurt my sisters (and that would be the most brotherly thing I would have ever done for them) or saying “sorry I’m not strong enough but know that I love u all” (and it would be the first time I’d ever tell them that and sadly the last).

So here I am feeling sorry for myself, for everything and for being the person I am. Its like doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. It’s either at the wrong moment, wrong way of how and when I do things; I’m not a good enough son, not a good enough brother, not a good enough friend, not man enough, for me everything seems to end with ‘not enough’. I know the easiest thing to do would be to just give up and just fade away into the air, earth, where ever I’m supposed to fade away into. But I wanna right the wrong, prove myself and then peacefully fade away, may be that’s why I’m holding on to this string of hope which seems to be strong for me to be able to live to write this and send it into the space (that’s this blog).

I live another day in the hope that in this life time I would be able to do what I’m supposed to and that I’d find my way out of this maze I’m in and hopefully smile for real and some day be the one whom my people can lean on; then I’d have lived and not just have breathed all the way through my life.