This heart seeks for an assurance,
that things are going to alright,
that I will find the love of my life,
that I will find happiness in someone new.
But for now, I will smile with the happy moments I have in a friendship
For now, I will smile with all that I have.
And not dwell on what could have been,
Not what I wish I had.
Live in today,
Live in the now.
Yet this heart wants this tomorrow as well.
This heart is greedy for these moments of happiness.
My love to you will not be returned. You will have to keep it, treasure it, for this kinda pure love will be hard to find again. Once I am gone. I will be gone. For my own sake.
You are setting out to start a new journey, I want to be part of it, close to it. I want to be your guardian angel but you have been mine for some time. I run to you. How will I run away from you?
You are in love. You smile. You care for her. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad that it is not me. Happy you are getting your life on track. You are seeing the bigger aspect of life. But I am not her. Can never be.
I feel the love you have for me, I know you do too. If this is my imagination, so be it. But we cannot become us. But I am happy with this friendship. I am at peace.
Maybe in the next life, our souls will be together, not separated by anything.
I love you. I want you. But that will never come into being reality.
We are not aligned to be together. I am gay and you are straight. But we are friends and our friendship is not going to be ruined because of this. Today I accept all of this. You still have my love and friendship. I want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you want in your life. I want to see you smile and happy. And being with her is going to do that for you so I will be rooting for you and your happiness.
I feel broken because this heart loves to dream dreams and dwell there. It knows the reality but likes to live in the idea of what it wishes to be. Today writing this down, I am baring and burying this into the depths of the reality. Because I deserve to be happy in this reality as much as you do. Because I can’t remain broken hearted. It is what it is, and I am not going to be a victim of this reality. I am going to rise above this.
You are going to be happy.
I am going to be happy.
We are going to stay friends.
I will support you all the way in this life.
Cheers my friend.
This is love.
Do you think I asked you just for a ride?
Are you that dumb?
Do you not understand?
It is not a ride I want,
It is the presence I am asking for,
I want somebody whom I trust by me,
Because I am scared.
I feel sad today
I feel like im loosing a lot of things
I hear too many negative thoughts crowding my mind
I feel a lot of things weighing me down
What have i become?
What has life become?
Am i loosing you?
The only connection I made in years
Why have you become so important to me?
Even when I know I am not anymore for you
Am i alone again?
Yes, yes i am
Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.
When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.
All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.
People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.
Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Lots of love from this heartless person.
I want to become silence but I am dying because of your silence. I have hurt you, it could be a lot of things and I don’t even know what to apologize for. You won’t tell. You have let go of me. You avoid me and if that is what you want to do right now then, okay. I want to talk to you about this but I’m worried I will push away more and knowing you I don’t want to do that. Talking won’t solve this. You need to time but the question is how much. I have been giving you space and you have just been avoiding me. Your fake smile has been no help either. I wish I could heal our friendship more than anything right now. But the fact is wishing won’t do anything. You became an important part of my life but I wasn’t there for you. It has been bugging me. It was unintentional. It was miscommunication but how do I explain. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to give you excuses, try to justify why I wasn’t there. The fact that I wasn’t there won’t change.
I hope things will pass. I hope this storm will pass. I know it will, but what will be left behind? everything there ever was? nothing?