Life has become this continuous cycle of frustration, anger, hating myself and life, want to be alone, no energy to do what needs to be done, finding that bit of energy just enough to get you by at the end moment and making promises to myself that I never keep. It feels like this circle just might not end but I strongly feel the need to break this cycle; something in this life needs change. And there lies in the problem, what do I do? I dunno but I need to do something, I need change and I’ve just waited enough. There is just one thing that comes to my mind ‘work’ but with all this pending stuffs from the school, will I actually be able to do it? I want to find out and here comes another problem I got no skill. Life has a funny way to make you feel worthless like shit.
Be it in life or death, I am alone and I know it, it’s one of those things you just know. And I weigh them both, in life there is everything, in death there is nothing and a question keeps nagging me ‘why choose life? Why choose everything when you can be at peace when there is nothing.’
Yet here I am breathing and living a life I despise in the name of responsibility that fell on my shoulder the day I was born or was it the day he died I’m not sure.
Yet here I am breathing and living being useless, being a failure, being a mistake. It like the strength have left me and little bit I have are being used to keep myself together because if dun do that I will be nothing.
Being nothing and having nothing are two different things; death takes away everything therefore you have nothing ,where as life is making me a nothing, all I have is a longing to be something.
Empty, hollow, cracked shell
taped together with everything left within
strength, hope, willpower
dreams to be filled with life and love
but knows that is impossible
coz there is nothing left here to love
may be new paint job?
even then who’d love a lifeless soul
left with anger, sadness and frustration
I hate to feel helpless and i dunno how to get rid of this feeling. Its a question i dun have an answer to, what the hell am i supposed to do, who the hell am i supposed to be. Dunno how to do it even if i had the answers to the what’s and who.
I find myself in the corner, my frustration trying to burst out and I’m barely holding up. I feel sorry for my incompetence and my worthlessness and for people who suffer because of me. Would give anything to get rid of all of this, if i could erase myself from existence i would but thats not possible and thinking about it isn’t exactly going to solve anything. I only wish it would though.
I know that I haven’t exactly lived or seen much of life but it feels like I’ve had enough. Wish i could just say i quit but then what?… I hate these what who and how’s, they always trouble me, make me think about shits i dun wanna be thinking about but i know it’s not just me and it might sound fucked up but that actually helps to a certain level to tell myself if they can so can i!
Not a day goes by that i don’t check my fb, atleast two times a day. i know its okay for the other days but not during my exam times and that is exactly what time it is..exam time. But I hate studying and i know I shouldn’t be saying this but I know I’ve got to do this, some how I need to get through this. Its not that I don’t try, I do and I don’t give up..I don’t call myself onemanarmy for nothing but there are times, I study and it feels like I’m not getting anything and I get frustrated. That is one big fault in me, I get frustrated too fast too easily. And what do I do! log on to facebook and just STARE at the wall..I don’t chat with people I just stare at others posts, may be like it and poof! there goes hours like minutes. and when i finally get myself to pick of the books..few minutes feels like hours. Exam times are very hard but i also know i made it hard myself.