Guilt ridden

Dear friend,

Apologies mean nothing and cannot heal us and take us back to the way we were. It just can’t. Does not matter how much weight they might carry, they fail to make an impact after things have gone sour. Especially when I don’t know what I am supposed to be sorry for. I have a list of thing because of which you have just been ignoring me, thrown me out, barely speak to me and when you look at me, you eyes are hard, emotionless. I don’t know what is it that made you and me this way but the only thing that kills me is that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. That has filled me with guilt and that is exactly what I have been dealing with for the past month. Do I tell you the reasons? Do I tell you that I honestly didn’t think that I didn’t know about your expectations? Do I tell you I had no energy in me? Do I tell you I wanted to watch that movie badly so I made the plan? Do I tell you I did not get to watch the movie then? Do I tell you I just wanted to crawl under my bed-sheet all day? Do I tell you that day I had a family function I had to go to which I didn’t even know about? Even if I would have planned to be there for you I would not have been able to. Was this fate? Whatever it was, it is done and in the past.

When I look into your eyes I don’t see the love, the care you had for me, which you gave so freely is now gone. You gave me so much and asked for so little. That too I failed to give you, so I deserve this I guess. I disgust you, I irritate you but you deserve better things so I have tried to keep things to the minimum and gave you the space you need to heal yourself first.

All said and done, I have the best in my heart for you. I still love and care for you. I wish I could fill you eyes with love and care again. I wish I could fix us but that depends on you and me, and not just me.

People say, we should not worry about people problems. But I care for you. The ghost of our friendship is haunting me.

Sorry I hurt you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Lots of love from this heartless person.

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Rumors… may be

I hear rumors flying around about you. Makes me question if I was living a lie. I thought you could come to me and talk to me.

We were not meant for one another.
It’s funny how I went from I want you in my life to this.

Now I want to leave you to figure it out for yourself. You were already doing that. But now I’ve stopped wishing you’d told me, spoke your mind and heart out. May be you tried and I just wasn’t there. More the reason to believe that the universe wanting us to go separate ways.

May be this is what I’m tell myself now to put my guilt away.
May be I’m being selfish.
May be it is the true.
May be this is all a complete lie.

Lost your way

You think you know yourself; you think you know what is right and what is wrong, then you go on do things that fucks you up. You thought you knew yourself; you thought you stood for something, then you realize you are just another fucked up person running after things you “think” you want and in the process ruin things you have. Precious precious things. And the worst part is you constantly try to justify what you did, blaming life and circumstances. Man up! Own up to your mistakes. Hold on to the little bit of who you thought you were and may be find your way back; if that is possible!

Never again

I know it’s not ethical, my own guilty conscience is going to kill me and I know that. But here I am acting like a child hanging on to something I’ve never had before and if I let it go this time I dunno if I’ll ever find this again.  All I needed was a reason,  a reason enough to give into desires without looking at the consequences it might be because I’ve never had something like this before and there is that doubt if I’ll ever have this again.
This head of mine doesn’t just let me live in it, asks me of the morals I’m breaking, the ones I said I would never break. Here I am without regret or any sorry feeling in me coz I know I might never have this again. I killing myself from within for breaking barriers of places I know I shouldn’t have. Now its all done and in the past and i got no regrets.
Life is meant to be lived
And moment are to be cherished not questioned.