Chasing Ghosts

Why am I running after ghosts? People I wish were with me. Feelings I wish existed. Realities I dream of. Why am I causing my own unhappiness and expecting others to take care of it! Why am I expecting so much from outside when I know this is something that needs to be addressed from inside. Why I chasing after what is not there? Why?

My desperation for love, friendship has cost me my self-worth, my energy and filled me with negativity. These people are adults, they have lives they are focused on I cannot be a nuisance for them to deal with but be the support for them when they need me. For now, I need to focus on myself and it makes me feel lonely to deal with this alone but I have to do this on my own. Stand up again on my own, gather strength to be everything I need to be, the best version of me.

No more excuses. No more hiding behind excuses. No more complaining. No more expecting. No more trying to force anything on anyone. No more putting others first. No more losing myself in this maze of life. It is time to rise now.

It is time for the ghosts to the dissappear. If they are to materialize welcome with open arms. That is it!

Seeking Assurances

This heart seeks for an assurance,
that things are going to alright,
that I will find the love of my life,
that I will find happiness in someone new.

But for now, I will smile with the happy moments I have in a friendship
For now, I will smile with all that I have.
And not dwell on what could have been,
Not what I wish I had.

Live in today,
Live in the now.
Yet this heart wants this tomorrow as well.
This heart is greedy for these moments of happiness.

Asking for Love

There comes a time when, multiple times in life, you find yourself very lonely. You could be around people but you still chose to stay alone because them being around does not change the fact that I am feeling lonely.

Growing up I have been a loner, a sad fellow who always manage to hide the fact really well. I grew up to accept it, adjust to it and then I fell for someone. I mattered to someone. I was loved by someone. Life was beautiful, it was all colorful. I was happy and I knew it, felt it. I found great friends, I mattered to them. We drank, we sang, we enjoyed our times together. I was not lonely anymore. I was not sad. Sure I still had things that were bothering me but I was happy.

Things then went south. I lost of lot of thing. Reasons sometimes were me, circumstances, them but that does not matter. Because the fact that I’ve lost everything I had does not change now knowing these reason, blaming someone or times. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m to do right now. So my choice has become to stay alone. Try to find my peace. Try to find my stabilizing agent.

They say your happiness has to come from within, from you. But for some reason I am unable to love myself. The love has always come from others and them I have lost and along with them their love as well. I was trying to hunt for love but I forgot love is given not asked for.

November 9 ’13 Wanting more

Today I’m on a mission to post something, anything; I’m going to write till i have nothing more to write and click the publish button.
Disappointment is a product of expectation, i know this and have known this for quite sometime now and life keeps reminding me, so there is no way am i ever going to forget this fact. And because of that disappointment has sort of lost its effect on me like it used to, you see when you go through the same thing again and again you just learn to deal with it, it would be wrong to say it has no effect at all, it does you just learn to deal with it, i’ve learnt to just move on and not focus on that i guess. Life is all about adapting and surviving and exploring too.
Right now I’m at a point in life where i’m at peace, i guess i’m come to terms with some aspects of my life so there is lot less disturbing thoughts going up in my head and as a result i’m writing less as well but i miss writing. Or it might be because i’ve just kept myself too busy to just sit, think, relax and write about everything and anything in a shady way that i do, so most of the time even i forget what i was writing about. A friend told me i write like i’m not telling everything and so he asks what am i hiding, but the truth be told i dunno what i’m hiding, i guess my head has hidden it pretty well that it gets me asking myself what am i hiding?
There is a storm brewing in this head of mine, i have peace now but i want more, i want happiness. Nothing is wrong with that, i am just another human aren’t i? There was a time when i told myself i can just living this life with just peace (and i can) but there is this curiosity of what i’d be missing out on. I wonder what is happiness like, if i can find it or bump into it; since i have peace which i thought was unattainable some time back, the hope for happiness has definitely gone up. But there is a part of me that is telling me to keep what i got and cherish it for it might not be with me tomorrow and not think of going into this search for happiness, for me searching has never really worked. All good things for me kind of have been an accident of sort. So the conclusion would be patience i guess, to live in now and enjoy every moment of it and leave tomorrow to become today and face it then.

Emptiness

I try sometimes to remember good times from the days that has gone by and I dun seem to recall any. Is my definition of good times wrong or did I just pass all these time without a single moment to hold precious, a moment I was completely happy. This makes me wonder if the definition of happiness is wrong as well. And that is all I have moments filled with confusion, scared of letting go and just setting myself free is what I dream of instead I give myself reason why not to do things I want to or I simply put them off saying to myself that time is yet to come but the truth be told I dunno how long I’m here in this world for. This makes me ask myself if the time full of uncertainties will be enough or if I will just put them off once again like I’m doing it right now. Why do I put this restrain on myself to act? I’m just feeling things and may be that is only because I can’t control that, if I had it in me to choose I would have probably choose to stop feeling anything like they show vampires shutting off their humanity! Haha to that!! Or maybe I’m dun have to be a vampire to do that, maybe I’m already doing it on some level and I just dunno about it. So here I am feeling empty, wondering if I’d make the same kinda noise like a empty vessel does. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be all the way through my life. Hopefully not, hopefully not.