November 9 ’13 Wanting more

Today I’m on a mission to post something, anything; I’m going to write till i have nothing more to write and click the publish button.
Disappointment is a product of expectation, i know this and have known this for quite sometime now and life keeps reminding me, so there is no way am i ever going to forget this fact. And because of that disappointment has sort of lost its effect on me like it used to, you see when you go through the same thing again and again you just learn to deal with it, it would be wrong to say it has no effect at all, it does you just learn to deal with it, i’ve learnt to just move on and not focus on that i guess. Life is all about adapting and surviving and exploring too.
Right now I’m at a point in life where i’m at peace, i guess i’m come to terms with some aspects of my life so there is lot less disturbing thoughts going up in my head and as a result i’m writing less as well but i miss writing. Or it might be because i’ve just kept myself too busy to just sit, think, relax and write about everything and anything in a shady way that i do, so most of the time even i forget what i was writing about. A friend told me i write like i’m not telling everything and so he asks what am i hiding, but the truth be told i dunno what i’m hiding, i guess my head has hidden it pretty well that it gets me asking myself what am i hiding?
There is a storm brewing in this head of mine, i have peace now but i want more, i want happiness. Nothing is wrong with that, i am just another human aren’t i? There was a time when i told myself i can just living this life with just peace (and i can) but there is this curiosity of what i’d be missing out on. I wonder what is happiness like, if i can find it or bump into it; since i have peace which i thought was unattainable some time back, the hope for happiness has definitely gone up. But there is a part of me that is telling me to keep what i got and cherish it for it might not be with me tomorrow and not think of going into this search for happiness, for me searching has never really worked. All good things for me kind of have been an accident of sort. So the conclusion would be patience i guess, to live in now and enjoy every moment of it and leave tomorrow to become today and face it then.

Emptiness

I try sometimes to remember good times from the days that has gone by and I dun seem to recall any. Is my definition of good times wrong or did I just pass all these time without a single moment to hold precious, a moment I was completely happy. This makes me wonder if the definition of happiness is wrong as well. And that is all I have moments filled with confusion, scared of letting go and just setting myself free is what I dream of instead I give myself reason why not to do things I want to or I simply put them off saying to myself that time is yet to come but the truth be told I dunno how long I’m here in this world for. This makes me ask myself if the time full of uncertainties will be enough or if I will just put them off once again like I’m doing it right now. Why do I put this restrain on myself to act? I’m just feeling things and may be that is only because I can’t control that, if I had it in me to choose I would have probably choose to stop feeling anything like they show vampires shutting off their humanity! Haha to that!! Or maybe I’m dun have to be a vampire to do that, maybe I’m already doing it on some level and I just dunno about it. So here I am feeling empty, wondering if I’d make the same kinda noise like a empty vessel does. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be all the way through my life. Hopefully not, hopefully not.