Three years since we met, more than a year since we went our separate ways. And still this heart wonders where you are, what you are doing, how you are doing. I lied to you the time we talked. I haven’t let you go. I have been trying to let you go. I am. I just haven’t been able to let you go. I don’t know if i want to, i dun think i want to because i feel guilty for tying to let you go. I feel sad for myself but i don’t want to break your heart again, instead i have been breaking other hearts. I don’t know. I am getting feed up with myself.
I wish we were together. I wish we were happy together. But now all i can wish for is that we find hapiness.
I never thought love would do this to me. But it has. Like i didn’t have enough of heartaches. Life is hard, god is cruel and i shall breathe again.
I let myself fall for you and I let you fall for me. Now that you are not around I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this feeling. How am I supposed to deal with this? I hate this feeling, this desperation for your touch, this feeling to want to hold you so bad. I’m trying to find ways to not feel this feeling, to not be desperate for you, to not depend on you to make me feel good about myself and this life. I was this person who wanted to avoid all of this dependency and yet here I am longing for you. I know this time you won’t come like the last time you did, I wonder if you even remember that? I do. May be that was the time I fell for you hard, may you shouldn’t have come back then, but you did.
I was never the one to believe in this thing called love but now that I’ve felt it, I believe in love and call myself lucky. I used to wondered what love is and what all the fuss is about. I wasn’t able to describe love then because I hadn’t felt it. I didn’t know love. Now that I have been in love (may be I still am), I still can’t put it into words. I don’t know why but I am going to try to find words. I don’t like to depend on others for anything let alone depend on one person to make me feel good about everything but love is that thing that makes you depend on this person. And this level of dependency just increases and that is love. Love depends on you growing into one another and you love every second of this new found togetherness. You find this world of we, where you are a better you and you feel better about life and makes you feel like you can do anything, go through anything and everything. That’s the power in we, that’s the power you feel being in love. Love makes you strong. But when things go wrong and they do every now and again to test your love. It is not something that is easy to deal with. And now I understand what I didn’t then.
Love is a strong thing; a powerful feeling that could takes you to the moon and back. But it’s not perfect, just like us; it’s fragile and needs to be cared for. Imagine love to be this beautiful heart made out of glass, it reflects the best you and a beautiful life. When you fail to look after your the heart, the glass cracks. When there are enough cracks, pieces of it fall out and these pieces don’t just disappear, they fall into you, they cut you deep and with you it shall forever remain within. The scar of love is deep and like no other. They take you back to the memories of us, of the world you found in love, in togetherness with that one person, that beautiful world. You miss being there, that powerful togetherness which overshadows all the pain. You miss the person, the strength you felt. You miss the entirety of love.
There is no going back after you have felt this thing called love. Love is complicated. It is not just one feeling, it is many feelings which can’t be described. It’s not about I or you, it’s about we and the world you see from there together. And it’s beautiful.
Dear Love, you are gone now; never to return even if I beg you to come back to me, which I did but that only broke the very little we had left. It was very selfish of me but I still think of you and that might not ever stop. What is going to stop is me trying to talk to you or text you. I think I have done enough damage. I know that and I think about it. I cried like a little child which I never thought I would for anybody but it was because I lost you, I let you go, I sent you away, far far away from me. I didn’t cry because of what you had lost, or for what you had given way for us, or because all your plans for us is gone now. You never told me your plans for us, you never said a lot of things I felt you should have. I guess this is my head trying to put the blame on you so that morally I’m on the higher ground. Now I know how fucked up my morality is.
If we were still seeing each other it would be 2 years now. I was so happy with you. The thought of you and our time still brings a smile to my face. I did you wrong for that I will pay a heavy price. I thought I was lost before but now I know what feeling lost actually feels like. This nothingness is eating me and soon there will be nothing left of me and I wonder what will become of me.
I go for random hookups now. The first time I did it was the first time you told me I should move on. I didn’t try to repair us or talk to you or get you back. I went for sex to “take my mind off of you”. My quick solution to my frustration. My fault. When you gave me another chance, another shot at us, I tried to believed we could survive through any thing but then again you stopped talking to me. I never understood what you were going through but miles apart, I just didn’t know what you were going though. I know you thought I was cheating on you but I never did. I doubt you believe me but it is the truth. That is one thing that always hurt me, that you didn’t believe me. I guess that day I slept with someone else was the day I lost your trust. Lost a part of you. But you told me to leave you behind and move on. And again you started asking for breaks from me, from us. I wanted to talk to you more and rebuild but I felt you shut me out. Then a small voice in my head shouted “If all you want is fucking breaks then I’m going to give you the fucking break”. I listened to that voice, probably my biggest mistake ever and followed by next mistake, went back to looking for random hookups. I guess I did cheat on you.
Here I am feeling lost as always. I won’t be calling you from now on or texting you. I’m sorry for all the heart aches I’ve caused but I can’t take them back even if I wanted to. I tried to understand you but I never could. I know I tried. May be I’m making myself believe things but may be I’m saying this because that is what you would have said and believed to be the truth.
It’s all I have.
Yours, fucked up ex-lover who fucked you up bad.