April 6th

I hate to feel helpless and i dunno how to get rid of this feeling. Its a question i dun have an answer to, what the hell am i supposed to do, who the hell am i supposed to be. Dunno how to do it even if i had the answers to the what’s and who.
I find myself in the corner, my frustration trying to burst out and I’m barely holding up. I feel sorry for my incompetence and my worthlessness and for people who suffer because of me. Would give anything to get rid of all of this, if i could erase myself from existence i would but thats not possible and thinking about it isn’t exactly going to solve anything. I only wish it would though.
I know that I haven’t exactly lived or seen much of life but it feels like I’ve had enough. Wish i could just say i quit but then what?… I hate these what who and how’s, they always trouble me, make me think about shits i dun wanna be thinking about but i know it’s not just me and it might sound fucked up but that actually helps to a certain level to tell myself if they can so can i!

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A Cursed Moment

A moment, could be a second, a minute, a day or two and that is all it takes for you to make that decision, a life changing decision that might involve another person but YOU make that decision and announce it to the world.

Today was a weird day,  the first thing i heard from my friend was that he got dumped by his girlfriend of almost nine years and that shook me. They had something that would make anybody jealous, they were so happy so comfortable with one another and the only way i saw that relationship end was on marriage not over a fight. He had lost weight in a matter of a week, hadn’t slept and asked me what he should do. I didn’t know how to respond, the only decent advice i could give him was to talk to her, apologize to her, wait for her. But that is how i saw it, may be not what he should do, i can only imagine what he is going through and not know it for real for there is a big difference between knowing something and thinking you know something. I just find myself in a position i hate the most. That helpless spot where you can’t do anything but just sit there and watch, just be there and that is all i can do. I know because I’ve done that before my other really good friend. Same thing happened to him too, his girl of 4 years dumped him for another guy as it turned out later. That has completely changed him, way he thinks, way he sees the world, how he lives, its like he has become another person. But atleast he found out why she left him. The worst is not knowing why someone wants to just stop and cut down the relationship the two of you share. My best friend from school just went out of touch, the one girl i wanted to be with didn’t wanted to and everybody else I don’t want to be with. I have in ways lost faith in this thing called relationship, you think its unbreakable, very strong but it took a moment for people to decide it wasn’t worth their time. So in real it just turned out to be a fragile thing.

I wonder why does that happen to people around me? Am i a bad luck for the people i care about? And few event in my life sort of proves it to be so if you look at it from a certain angle. But i shouldn’t be making this about me, should i? Because it is not about me, its about them. But can’t deny the fact that looking at these things unfold around does send a chill down my spine, will affect the decisions i will make in the days to come.

What saddens me the most is that, you see your life all pictured out, you know where you are going, what you need to do, and then in a moment POOF! it goes up in smoke. You find yourself lost and helpless and you start to see the light of hope dying out. Now that i know, know how it feels and how to deal with it but i don’t want to see it happen to others because i know what that does to you.