Hurting wishes

I should not be wishing for you to be mine. I know. But when I am with you I don’t feel alone, being with you cures me and I feel happy. Can I not be selfish?

I have always been drawn towards you, from the day I first saw you. That innocence, that smile, had me captivated. I was wishing, if only I could make you mine right then and there. From then on, I have maintained my distance because I feared this wish would become what it has become, a crush. I can feel me holding you though I never have. I can feel your lips on mine, wish it would become the reality. I blame you. You shouldn’t have taken those steps towards me.

I always knew that you and I are worlds apart in every way. I want to tell you what my world is like but you are a private person and so am I. I don’t want to throw myself at you when I can clearly see you holding yourself back. I wonder what your expectations were out of me. I wonder what you thought of me then and what has changed now. I never said no to you. I still can’t. But I can feel the distance increasing between us these days, it’s like you are taking your steps back and I am walking towards you. Should I stop? I should. I need to. But I don’t want to. Why do I feel like this is what you want? I see that but when I see your smile, I don’t want to let you have what I think you want. I wonder if it is you or the puppeteers. But that does not matter, you are an adult and your actions are your decisions.

But my wishes still remain, to hold you, to care for you, to feed you, to make you feel my love. Sad fact is, that is not possible. I thought I saw something in your eyes, I thought you felt something for me. May be you did, but you are loosing it for reasons I do not know. I think I was wrong, mistook things for what they weren’t. I think everything was drawn up in my head, I think everything was a wishful thinking. And now I am hurting.

The important facts are I will get over this hurt, I have accepted that we will never be a reality, I have accepted that we hail from two different worlds and we are not meant to be. I wish you the world, may you find all the happiness, peace and your heart’s greatest desires. Cheers!

Words

Words don’t come easy, there – yet not there
it’s like your shadow, you see it out in the light but in the dark you can’t find it
but it’s still there, it never leaves you alone.
It’s like drops of water leaking out of a broken tap
it comes, just drops after drops,
never fills a pot,
never quenches your thirst.
That’s how words come, and you grow tired.

Yet you collect every drop
Coz those drops are precious
those drops are like tears of the phoenix,
heals away your wound but the scars do remain.
Pain goes away but you still remember how that felt.

The power in words is something to reckon with.
Gives you strength when you got none
Gives you hope when hopes run out
it moves you to move mountains
what you thought impossible becomes possible
that’s how words come.

Emptiness

I try sometimes to remember good times from the days that has gone by and I dun seem to recall any. Is my definition of good times wrong or did I just pass all these time without a single moment to hold precious, a moment I was completely happy. This makes me wonder if the definition of happiness is wrong as well. And that is all I have moments filled with confusion, scared of letting go and just setting myself free is what I dream of instead I give myself reason why not to do things I want to or I simply put them off saying to myself that time is yet to come but the truth be told I dunno how long I’m here in this world for. This makes me ask myself if the time full of uncertainties will be enough or if I will just put them off once again like I’m doing it right now. Why do I put this restrain on myself to act? I’m just feeling things and may be that is only because I can’t control that, if I had it in me to choose I would have probably choose to stop feeling anything like they show vampires shutting off their humanity! Haha to that!! Or maybe I’m dun have to be a vampire to do that, maybe I’m already doing it on some level and I just dunno about it. So here I am feeling empty, wondering if I’d make the same kinda noise like a empty vessel does. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be all the way through my life. Hopefully not, hopefully not.

…life and hope

a little bit of hope doesn’t matter how tiny it might be it helps u keep going in life; it teaches you that u gotta believe in yourself  try your best, not expect big things and not worry too much, the things will take-care of itself but always prepare yourself for the worst possible case…that’s what it’s like for me right now and i don’t feel bad but i’m yet to LIVE.

Nothingness…

I did okay today and I feel nothing, not sad i screwed up few(may be more than few) problems, not happy that I’m going to pass, just nothing. Is this how its going to be? This sorta scares me. May be its because I actually tried today, that there is still hope left. Or is it because my head is aching? I wish I could get some answers but that ain’t gonna happen.  So I’m just going to dwell in this feeling tonight, this feeling of nothingness, it’s good to feel a different feel for a change. It’s way much better than feel like a looser all the time anyway. That’s probably why i just didn’t stop walking to talk to people and take that chance of feeling miserable again, I just wanted to keep this nothingness to being miserable.